Resiliently facing the prospect of rheumatoid arthritis

I am scared but smiling today. The thing with me is I just put on some music and instantly things feel better. 

I don’t want to use my time blogging, as a platform to complain but rather as a platform for self expression in the hope that I offer and provide hope for others. I hope that as readers of this blog, you don’t merely see it as me complaining.

I have some up and coming medical appointments, I am rather nervous about- for one of the appointments in fact I have no idea what to expect. I saying to myself “Please let this doctor be kind” “Please let him or her believe me” “Please let them have patience as I try to find the words to voice the pain I have felt in my arm and wrist for the last few months” “If he is a men please let him be gentle and kind with compassion and human spirit” 

Just a few months ago and you may in fact recall me posting about this in a previous blog entry; but I had to undergo a range of medical tests as my hands and arms and joints kept swelling up causing me significant pain and greatly limiting my movement. After tests showed my auto-immune markers are elevated significantly and other tests also showed signs of an auto-immune disease it was decided by my GP and I that I be referred to a rheumatoid arthritis specialist.

The letter came in the mail a few days ago, I have an appointment on the 14th of February with the rheumatologist; at a hospital unfamiliar to me. With the continued swelling of my wrists and me being unable to open up bottle caps and with my wrists being in significant pain I fear the worst. At 21 Rheumatoid arthritis, yet another debilitating condition. I would ask my angels in disguise for a break but the truth is in no disrespectful manner I wouldn’t have it any other way. (Of course I would prefer not to have rheumatoid arthritis) but I am a strong believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason: I have not figured out the reasoning for why all the things that have happened to me occurred, but I can tell you this it as made me resilient, the more and more things this world throws at me the stronger I become:because hey what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? 

As I am blogging about this I am reminded of the time when I was having a depressive episode and I broke down in my doctors office. 

“I am not Strong, I am weak I complain; who the hell am I too complain when there is a lot worse going on in this world”

My doctor quietly turned to me and said:
“Shaz, you are a resilient individual, even when you think you’re not you are”

She was right even in my darkest moments when I want to give up something deep inside me; clings on fights for light; I can’t escape my resilience it radiates inside and outside always. 

I remember discussing my feelings a few months ago with one of the people supporting me, I said no matter what I feel deep down I never want to die, because life is beautiful, my ability to bring laughter and happiness to others to fight for my passions to explore who I am more and more each day is beautiful.

I want to show people that beyond there darkness and pain there is light and beauty, you just have to hang on to hope and belief that good will come, and that you are loved.

Because this I promise you no matter what you’ve been through. No matter what mistakes you’ve made, no matter how lost you feel, or how scared even if you have lost complete faith in humanity and trust in yourself. Things can and do change; even if you find yourself in out of the light like an emotional roller-coaster like I do. Things are forever changing, even if things are only good for a minute, a minute is better than nothing.

for every evil there is a million more good,

for every neglect, there is someone waiting to love you, wanting you to let them in.

For every mistrust, there is an honest trustworthy sole 

For every moment of pain, there are moments of beauty and strength.

For every moment of despair, courage is born.

For every moment of fear, an opportunity for resilience to shine presents itself

Be strong.

 

COPYRIGHT 2013 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Hermione Sturk.

My Message to a Beautiful Hero: Katie Piper

Have you ever read a book that you know has had a life long change on you?

The last few weeks, I’ve been in a dark place hidden by a facade of smiles and pretending things are okay. During this time reading has also become a coping mechanism. A few weeks ago I purchased the book Beautiful by Katie Piper– I expected that it would be just another book expressing how to regain your life, telling you what to do. I was reluctant to read it in the beginning thinking “this book is just going to tell me to be grateful for life, and that you should focus on the positives and that you have no reason to feel dark, sad, depressed. Despite my first thoughts and my initial reluctant attitude. I opened the first page I am glad I did because I was so wrong.

It tells the story of courageous women Katie Piper as she rebuilt her life and her faith in humanity after a vicious acid attack. Katie suffered horrific facial burns and significant psychological distress. Yet through all this she fought and inspired many to regain their lives after trauma and subsequently founded the Katie Piper Foundation to help other burns victims.

The book has touched me on so many different levels. I am women I am almost 22 two years younger than Katie prior to the attack.

although my story is different from Katie’s in a lot of ways. I found myself relating to her words more times than not as I read her words.

Born with Spastic Diplegic Cerebral Palsy, I have undergo multiple surgeries. As a result I now have eighteen plus scars. I have been and continue to be the victim of peoples harsh words. Just a few weeks back: “A man screamed in my face: “fu*king cripple”, as I was minding my own business sitting in my wheelchair. I was asked my life expectancy and treated in a condescending manner” Bullied by people:some even close to me “called retard and cripple”, all because they knew it would push my buttons. In nineth grade, when class mates gutlessly typed telling me to take my life, because no one wanted a disabled girl in school.” The day after graduating from high school, the people I thought were my friends went on facebook calling me a vegetable. Other times I was threatened to be bashed for having a disability. Furthermore,  my last surgery on September 15th 2008, has left so much trauma behind. My dignity gone. I sixteen I needed toileting, bathing, dressing. Too weak to do it. Scared of doctors, I cried many tears. Was told not to cry.

I recall one night lying in the hospital bed hating myself, despite to die. In so much pain yet doped up to the max on pain-relief, so much medication in fact I was unable to hold food down. I would scream at night.! Nurses rushing to my side as my legs jerked in horrific pain underneath my 60 kilogram plaster cast non-stop! stoking my hair.

I trusted people, no more. In fact I didn’t trust myself. At the mercy of medical jargon I didn’t understand. At the mercy of the mood of specialists. I recall crying so much one day as the doctor walked out. tired weary. I remember thinking “I have done something wrong, I wasn’t brave enough. I screamed too much and wouldn’t let them cut off my casts, he is angry because he now has to organize to put me under anesthetic next week to cut it off”  I was mocked by the plaster surgery. I told myself I’d be brave and I tried. Everyone else was mad, I hadn’t tried had enough. I am still afraid of doctors to this day. I had always been afraid but this made me even more afraid. I have been lucky to meet my current GP who has got me to be less afraid. Her patience, and kindness has got me talking about the surgeries and other trauma experiences during my childhood and throughout my adulthood.

Katie’s honesty about the words she spoke to herself- made me cry! I was not the only one! ”

“Will I ever find love or will my disability get in the way?” Will there ever be a time where my life wasn’t impacted by my trauma reactions? “Will there ever be a time I would not be anxious going to the hospital”? “Will it get better” “Will there ever be a time I don’t have to put a façade and fake my happiness” “Will there ever be a time when I smelt that hospital cleaning liquid that I didn’t feel the need to run a mile in fear?” “Will there be a time where I form friendships and trust them not to bully me, to accept me for me?” “Will I find true friends not friends who want to be my friend out of pity” “Will there be a day I didn’t have to face people’s cruel remarks and stares?” “Will I ever be able to accept me for me- scares and all.” My fear lingers as I contemplate over my up and coming specialists appointments.

I just wanted to thank-you Katie for being a soul of exquisite beauty and your words of encouragement are ones I will remember during my darkest days.. I will look to you, knowing that through everything you showed courage.. something that I can and will do.

Thank-you for being someone I could relate to in a way previously I thought was impossible. I too have my good and bad days jumping from acceptance to hatred of myself.

COPYRIGHT 2013 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Hermione Sturk.

Thank-you: A quick look of my year that was 2013

I am hurting today. Not mentally rather physically. Mentally I am strong today.

I sit here typing on the the screen I see before me, my hands all swollen, joints riddled with pain. You maybe asking yourself why is she blogging? Why is she putting herself through all that pain.

Blogging is one of my many passions. It allows me to voice my story and hopefully provide courage and hope to others. My blog posts over the last few days may seem a bit dark. But I can assure you that despite having to battle mental illnesses and more dark times than i’d like to my life isn’t always dark.

Aside from attending appointments for both my mental and physical illlnesses/disabilities, this year I was a mentor and ambassador for the Monash University Faculty of the Arts, I also engaged in public speaking and it was a community radio presenter at SYN Media I was apart of a show that raised awareness about disability and advocated for all types of issues relating to disability called Raise The platform presenting on such a show has built my confidence up so much, and has also allowed me to form friendships with some amazing people; whom I will be friends with for life.

Earlier in the year I was also asked to be a speaker on a diversity and inclusion panel for the Monash University 2013 Diversity and Inclusion week. Myself and other panel members spoke about our experiences and answered questions from audience members. Subsequently, I was asked if I would do an equity diversity profile; sharing my experiences with others. Of course I said Yes!

A few months later, I spoke about the significance of being selected for my university’s most prestigious program for up and coming leaders; Ancora Imparo. I spoke to potential applicants about the benefits and significance of the program for myself. I was so overwhelmed by the response to my words! I was amazed- that I inspired people. I was contacted by students a few weeks after that. Some of my words can be found here: http://monashcollege.edu.au/whats-happening/lifelong-learning-on-leadership.html

That was just this year. This was probably my most toughest year yet.

with several hospital admissions, severe chest and respiratory infections, changes in medication; the diagnosis of C-PSTD, attempts at leaving this world, sliced toes, sore backs and more. I had taken lots of time off college and with that my depression became worse as I was unsure if I would pass university or not. with the lingering diagnosis of Rheumatoid arthritis

But there were people who refused to give in up on me and I want to take a moment to type thank-you to them all.
My lecturers: your patience and time spent with me during my times of sickness to ensure I understood the content was amazing! to my Academic mentors who kept my spirits high and believed I would do well.

My friends, my family… Everyone Thank-you.

I did in fact pass uni with a credit, credit, distinction 🙂

So are you still wondering why I am typing? to give you hope.
It will be okay. No matter what 🙂

Keep Believin’ 

COPYRIGHT 2013 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Hermione Sturk.

A message of acceptance to Shaz from Shaz

it is clear, that those closest to me refuse or cannot acknowledge who I’ve become since moving to college to get my bachelor of arts degree (specializing in human rights and sociology) 

I want to get one thing clear.

Moving to college didn’t change me it gave me the courage to become who I always knew had been in a nurturing environment. Having to live day in day out hiding who I really was, hiding my sexuality, hiding my psychological distress, hiding my pain because I knew I couldn’t release it in the environment I was in.

All of you who continue to call me Sharlene. It hurts me more than ever. Changing my name to Shaz- was not a split of the moment decision I had been known as Shaz for some time, and earlier in the year I got the courage up to change my name to Shaz, to reflect all I truly was, a totem- the scared girl was left behind, misunderstood, somewhat emotionally neglected. Gone.

Shaz: Still dealing with all the issues left behind from Sharlene. But no-one could ever make her into Sharlene Ever again! 
I still find myself dealing with the issues of the past, coming home for the summer was possibly the hardest thing I’d had to do, knowing that I would be in the area in which Sharlene grew up- I would have to put up with the lack of acceptance of who I am… Have the words said to me “I will never call you Shaz”…. but in contrast I recall the words my GP: a complete stranger to me up until two years ago.

“No one, can ever make you Shaz disappear”

I am Shaz forever. I am not Sharlene forbidden to express emotions, invalidated. I can smile at that- with a grin from ear to ear. With love for who I am, no longer having to meet the expectations of those oblivious to what their words and actions have done.  

We are not Perfect. I acknowledge that, I am far from perfect. But I have lived with too much pain for too long. As I am home for the summer I recall the times I sat in my room and cried; or the times I cried silently.

Myself as Shaz, bravely sat on the end of her bed, trying to explain to a loved one the extent of my psychological distress. Even though it is hard, I continue to try.. not to make one feel guilty.. but to know that I have done everything possible to explain in the absence of anger and frustration. I love those closest to me, that is why I never give up trying to explain to them how my past experiences have caused significant psychological distress. 

But as I realized yesterday there comes a point where you have to let in, because no degree of explanation will allow people to accept that things are the way they are for a reason. But I had to try for one last time, to gain acknowledgement and acceptance. Instead I had to give it to myself.

As I sat there explaining yesterday I was met with responses:

“Why?! some people are stronger then others- some people have things happen and they are able to move forward”

I said: “No I struggled, as I couldn’t express my pain from the surgeries”

“We thought you were strong enough. We did our best.”

I saw the level of confusion and lack of acknowledgement in the eyes

I responded: “I know you did, I am grateful” I then went in to specific scenario’s where I was invalidated. 

I don’t know why?! acknowledge was not something I was going to get- only “You can’t seem to move forward”

I had to have an internal conversation with myself- as I recognized acknowledgement and validation would only come from me.

armed with courage: I said ” I am sorry, you were and continue to be a brave solider, you are beautiful with internal beauty you learnt, with an acceptance for differences greater than those closest to you can ever recognize, you continue to fight for you and get help for you- so that you can learn to love, allow people to come close to you, show beautiful emotion and compassion. You are sensitive but that is you. Beautiful you. You can cry for days. Laugh, smile, get angry at yourself and injustices. I won’t ever make you feel invalid, worthless, weak or shit again. On the days when you hate yourself, remember the love I have for you, the love others have for you. The words of your friends.

“I don’t know anyone who cares about people, like you”

The words of your mental health support team, lecturers, bloggers and people alike.

There is more to write, but that will be for tomorrow.

COPYRIGHT 2013 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Hermione Sturk.

A little bag of happiness: A sign of things to come

I find myself reaching for this outlet again- blogging, at the moment I wake up every morning after a dark night filled with trauma reactions with the need to blog. Relief comes as soon as I find the strength to recall the previous nights/days events on this screen.

Last night was horrible, every bit of worry consumed my young body. My internet mysteriously stopped working yesterday evening, and I anxiously was waiting on hold with my internet provider as we attempted to figure out what made my mobile wireless broadband crack the wobbles. The provider gave me a list of new software’s to download, no luck. I was up all night trying to use my amateur technical skills  unable to fix the problem. My mind suddenly leaped to the worse case scenario in less then 2 seconds.

“If I don’t have the internet I will die”.

“I need to be able to contact my mental health support team, via email to keep them in the loop”

“I need to be able to have my outlet of blogging- blogging requires the internet”.

“If I don’t blog, I won’t be able to cope, if I can’t cope I’ll take tablets. I’ll die. 

“If I die, I am gone. My air, my hope, my love. gone.”

I was too consumed with anxiety over the fact I needed to call them in the morning. 2:00AM, I needed a hug. I jumped to the conclusion that no one cares for me. So irrational, it was early 2:00AM my rational brain tells me this morning that most people aren’t awake at that hour.

still consumed with irrational thoughts. I grabbed my Temazepam. Staring at the white bottle. I opened it. Empty every last pill on to my hand. I sat holding the pills in my hand. I read my doctors name on the bottle, my name. Still with the pills in my hand. “Is this what you want Shaz?” is this what you want?”
Staring at the names on the bottle. “Do you want all the love you show to people to be gone?” “All the people who find strength in your words- lost” “The work you’ve done with your Dr. G to mean nothing” 

Slowly I begun putting the pills back in the bottle, as I was doing it- I said aloud the names of those who would be lost for words had I disappeared. With Each Tablet:

“Me”

“Daphne”

“Zoe”

The list went on.

I had two tablets left. Of which I took. I fell asleep in half an hour.

I woke up today. I was able to make that call to my internet provider. It was an anxious experience. But nonetheless I did it. It is fixed, I will be mailed out a new sim card. For now my Grandpa has kindly lent me his internet.. nowhere near as scary as I thought. But hindsight is a wonderful thing especially for someone with extensive mental disorders. 

A little bag of Happiness- which brought so many smiles to my heart as I read it out

Oh, I almost forgot. I wanted to tell you about the wonderful gift I received yesterday. My grandma’s friend re-gifted me a little bag of happiness- as she thought I’d need it. What a wonderfully thoughtful christmas gift, I was oh so grateful.

I have so many more things to blog about my hands make it difficult. I am nervous about going to the Rheumatoid Arthritis Clinic. I am just 21.. the prospect of having Rheumatoid Arthritis at such a young age scares me. I might reflect on that in tomorrow’s posting.

But for now. Thank-you.

If you need assistance please call:

LifeLine: 31-11-14

KidsHelpline: 1800-55-1800

COPYRIGHT 2013 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Hermione Sturk.

 

The weather forecast for today: Scattered, Addled and Spent.

The weather forecast for today: 

Scattered, Addled and Spent 

with spurts of Anti-social, Apathetic and Aggravation.

The weather seems to be up and down today, If you lived in Melbourne I guess you could say that my moods represented Melbourne’s weather rather accurately.The sun has come out today because I have moved from a sense of incredible self hatred, to a sense of aggravation with myself and the outside world, I think I would be correct in saying that if you are around me today it might do you good to purchase a heavy duty rain coat and perhaps an umbrella- for me blogging is just another way to whether the uncertainty and lack of understanding. 

I feel physically ill today. My joints and bones ache in pain. My throat is dry and rasp. Fatigue has settled in and it is only 11.34am  emotions and the lack of understanding are really getting to me today.

In a few days I will need to wash myself at the basin like I did when I had my extensive orthopedic surgery in 2008, I am  usually assisted me when I am home from college with activities of daily care as the set up is not exactly wheelchair friendly- But for reasons I am not able to get help for a few days. I don’t want to get a carer because keeping as much of my dignity as possible is especially significant to someone who has had six orthopedic surgeries between the ages of 8-17 and required people’s assistance for toileting and the most personal of things. Having to “basin wash” myself again brings back memories and causes trauma reactions. Yesterday, I had people asking “Why are you experiencing anxiety and trauma reactions?” “Did something happen?” I replied “Oh not today, but a long, long, long time ago”  To have the response: “Oh that was too long ago to recall, it’s in the past, you should move forward”

Well. I am sorry, for someone with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) it is not as simple as that firstly what is different from C-PSTD to PTSD is that Complex PTSD results from C-PTSD results more from chronic repetitive stress and there little chance of escape.  as where as PTSD can result from single events, or short term exposure to extreme stress or trauma. http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/CPTSD.html#CPTSDvsPTSD.

I recall things and remember them like it were yesterday. In addition for five years I didn’t get proper assistance with my mental health disorders so I went for a long period living without a diagnosis, for fear of further rejection and alienation. However, since living independently for two years now. I have met the most caring general practitioner and psychologist, that I no longer become afraid when waiting in doctors officers, of needles or flinch when people touch me. Slowly but surely I have been able to open up and real expose my feelings and what happened to me without fear of being invalidated or told not to cry- I have been doing so well over the past 2 years that I have recently agreed to see a psychologist specializing in dealing in trauma from next year. It would be nice to also be in touch with someone else who understood.

I have also had relapses, all of which I have discussed in detail in previous blogs. Now that I am home from college things are made difficult as I am in an environment that is not understanding. Hence, blogging is an important life line and coping mechanism during this time. I apologize if my thoughts are a bit addled and confused but they are my words and this is my coping mechanism.

 COPYRIGHT 2013 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Hermione Sturk.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), Schema’s And Temazepam

I am in a state of utter loss. Feeling nothing but intense guilt and hate for myself. 

As I search for the words to type on this screen, I feel wrong. The words I write on this screen in front of me are heavily emotive. But they are my feelings some of which are dark stemming from traumatic events I remember like yesterday, some feelings I cannot find the words for. They form shapes, colors and thoughts in my mind that are explainable but to hard for me to find the words to address them for today. I don’t want to have these feelings so close to Christmas- but there is no rule book for life nor for our emotions, feelings and/or reactions. Something I must say before I search for the real words to express. Is that I am okay. I believe that as you on to read you may be wondering about how I am. I am fine because I recognize my thoughts and blogging is in fact one of the outlets I use to express them.

Over the last few days, 

I have pushed friends away, friends that really matter to me. I have hurt them by suggesting they wanted to abandon me. The thing is I have done this endless times, so sorry doesn’t cut it anymore. You’re probably thinking “If you know you’ve done it before why the hell would you do it again?” The truth is I woke up with so much hatred towards myself for that exact reason. I don’t realize my schema’s appearing until it’s too late, by the time I recognize them it is too late. What is A Schema/Schema Therapy?

The hatred I have for myself today, as been consuming. I was fearful at several points throughout the day. Not trusting myself, feeling heavy emotions as I don’t know how to fix this. At times my Temazepam medication has looked appealing today. As I am writing this I think of how fucking stupid I was to think that over medicating would help. I write to all my friends I have hurt and I say that please understand that I do the things I do because I am sensitive and afraid, I don’t understand how anyone could want to love me. I self-pitied myself today I am not proud of it, but I wanted to be rescued; but the more and more I needed rescuing the more I realized that I keep “burning bridges” so people are unable to rescue me.

I understand that there is a point in life where we must all move forward from our past experiences- but please don’t tell me they are invalid. I am not using them as an excuse, perhaps you can understand me better by understanding I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) it is scary! Anyway! I just wanted to write this for relief- that is all I can get on to the page for now.

If you need assistance please call:

LifeLine: 31-11-14

KidsHelpline: 1800-55-1800 

 

COPYRIGHT 2013 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Hermione Sturk.