I am in a state of utter loss. Feeling nothing but intense guilt and hate for myself.
As I search for the words to type on this screen, I feel wrong. The words I write on this screen in front of me are heavily emotive. But they are my feelings some of which are dark stemming from traumatic events I remember like yesterday, some feelings I cannot find the words for. They form shapes, colors and thoughts in my mind that are explainable but to hard for me to find the words to address them for today. I don’t want to have these feelings so close to Christmas- but there is no rule book for life nor for our emotions, feelings and/or reactions. Something I must say before I search for the real words to express. Is that I am okay. I believe that as you on to read you may be wondering about how I am. I am fine because I recognize my thoughts and blogging is in fact one of the outlets I use to express them.
Over the last few days,
I have pushed friends away, friends that really matter to me. I have hurt them by suggesting they wanted to abandon me. The thing is I have done this endless times, so sorry doesn’t cut it anymore. You’re probably thinking “If you know you’ve done it before why the hell would you do it again?” The truth is I woke up with so much hatred towards myself for that exact reason. I don’t realize my schema’s appearing until it’s too late, by the time I recognize them it is too late. What is A Schema/Schema Therapy?
The hatred I have for myself today, as been consuming. I was fearful at several points throughout the day. Not trusting myself, feeling heavy emotions as I don’t know how to fix this. At times my Temazepam medication has looked appealing today. As I am writing this I think of how fucking stupid I was to think that over medicating would help. I write to all my friends I have hurt and I say that please understand that I do the things I do because I am sensitive and afraid, I don’t understand how anyone could want to love me. I self-pitied myself today I am not proud of it, but I wanted to be rescued; but the more and more I needed rescuing the more I realized that I keep “burning bridges” so people are unable to rescue me.
I understand that there is a point in life where we must all move forward from our past experiences- but please don’t tell me they are invalid. I am not using them as an excuse, perhaps you can understand me better by understanding I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) it is scary! Anyway! I just wanted to write this for relief- that is all I can get on to the page for now.
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