I find myself reaching for this outlet again- blogging, at the moment I wake up every morning after a dark night filled with trauma reactions with the need to blog. Relief comes as soon as I find the strength to recall the previous nights/days events on this screen.
Last night was horrible, every bit of worry consumed my young body. My internet mysteriously stopped working yesterday evening, and I anxiously was waiting on hold with my internet provider as we attempted to figure out what made my mobile wireless broadband crack the wobbles. The provider gave me a list of new software’s to download, no luck. I was up all night trying to use my amateur technical skills unable to fix the problem. My mind suddenly leaped to the worse case scenario in less then 2 seconds.
“If I don’t have the internet I will die”.
“I need to be able to contact my mental health support team, via email to keep them in the loop”
“I need to be able to have my outlet of blogging- blogging requires the internet”.
“If I don’t blog, I won’t be able to cope, if I can’t cope I’ll take tablets. I’ll die.
“If I die, I am gone. My air, my hope, my love. gone.”
I was too consumed with anxiety over the fact I needed to call them in the morning. 2:00AM, I needed a hug. I jumped to the conclusion that no one cares for me. So irrational, it was early 2:00AM my rational brain tells me this morning that most people aren’t awake at that hour.
still consumed with irrational thoughts. I grabbed my Temazepam. Staring at the white bottle. I opened it. Empty every last pill on to my hand. I sat holding the pills in my hand. I read my doctors name on the bottle, my name. Still with the pills in my hand. “Is this what you want Shaz?” is this what you want?”
Staring at the names on the bottle. “Do you want all the love you show to people to be gone?” “All the people who find strength in your words- lost” “The work you’ve done with your Dr. G to mean nothing”
Slowly I begun putting the pills back in the bottle, as I was doing it- I said aloud the names of those who would be lost for words had I disappeared. With Each Tablet:
“Me”
“Daphne”
“Zoe”
The list went on.
I had two tablets left. Of which I took. I fell asleep in half an hour.
I woke up today. I was able to make that call to my internet provider. It was an anxious experience. But nonetheless I did it. It is fixed, I will be mailed out a new sim card. For now my Grandpa has kindly lent me his internet.. nowhere near as scary as I thought. But hindsight is a wonderful thing especially for someone with extensive mental disorders.
A little bag of Happiness- which brought so many smiles to my heart as I read it out
Oh, I almost forgot. I wanted to tell you about the wonderful gift I received yesterday. My grandma’s friend re-gifted me a little bag of happiness- as she thought I’d need it. What a wonderfully thoughtful christmas gift, I was oh so grateful.
I have so many more things to blog about my hands make it difficult. I am nervous about going to the Rheumatoid Arthritis Clinic. I am just 21.. the prospect of having Rheumatoid Arthritis at such a young age scares me. I might reflect on that in tomorrow’s posting.
But for now. Thank-you.
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