it is clear, that those closest to me refuse or cannot acknowledge who I’ve become since moving to college to get my bachelor of arts degree (specializing in human rights and sociology)
I want to get one thing clear.
Moving to college didn’t change me it gave me the courage to become who I always knew had been in a nurturing environment. Having to live day in day out hiding who I really was, hiding my sexuality, hiding my psychological distress, hiding my pain because I knew I couldn’t release it in the environment I was in.
All of you who continue to call me Sharlene. It hurts me more than ever. Changing my name to Shaz- was not a split of the moment decision I had been known as Shaz for some time, and earlier in the year I got the courage up to change my name to Shaz, to reflect all I truly was, a totem- the scared girl was left behind, misunderstood, somewhat emotionally neglected. Gone.
Shaz: Still dealing with all the issues left behind from Sharlene. But no-one could ever make her into Sharlene Ever again!
I still find myself dealing with the issues of the past, coming home for the summer was possibly the hardest thing I’d had to do, knowing that I would be in the area in which Sharlene grew up- I would have to put up with the lack of acceptance of who I am… Have the words said to me “I will never call you Shaz”…. but in contrast I recall the words my GP: a complete stranger to me up until two years ago.
“No one, can ever make you Shaz disappear”
I am Shaz forever. I am not Sharlene forbidden to express emotions, invalidated. I can smile at that- with a grin from ear to ear. With love for who I am, no longer having to meet the expectations of those oblivious to what their words and actions have done.
We are not Perfect. I acknowledge that, I am far from perfect. But I have lived with too much pain for too long. As I am home for the summer I recall the times I sat in my room and cried; or the times I cried silently.
Myself as Shaz, bravely sat on the end of her bed, trying to explain to a loved one the extent of my psychological distress. Even though it is hard, I continue to try.. not to make one feel guilty.. but to know that I have done everything possible to explain in the absence of anger and frustration. I love those closest to me, that is why I never give up trying to explain to them how my past experiences have caused significant psychological distress.
But as I realized yesterday there comes a point where you have to let in, because no degree of explanation will allow people to accept that things are the way they are for a reason. But I had to try for one last time, to gain acknowledgement and acceptance. Instead I had to give it to myself.
As I sat there explaining yesterday I was met with responses:
“Why?! some people are stronger then others- some people have things happen and they are able to move forward”
I said: “No I struggled, as I couldn’t express my pain from the surgeries”
“We thought you were strong enough. We did our best.”
I saw the level of confusion and lack of acknowledgement in the eyes
I responded: “I know you did, I am grateful” I then went in to specific scenario’s where I was invalidated.
I don’t know why?! acknowledge was not something I was going to get- only “You can’t seem to move forward”
I had to have an internal conversation with myself- as I recognized acknowledgement and validation would only come from me.
armed with courage: I said ” I am sorry, you were and continue to be a brave solider, you are beautiful with internal beauty you learnt, with an acceptance for differences greater than those closest to you can ever recognize, you continue to fight for you and get help for you- so that you can learn to love, allow people to come close to you, show beautiful emotion and compassion. You are sensitive but that is you. Beautiful you. You can cry for days. Laugh, smile, get angry at yourself and injustices. I won’t ever make you feel invalid, worthless, weak or shit again. On the days when you hate yourself, remember the love I have for you, the love others have for you. The words of your friends.
“I don’t know anyone who cares about people, like you”
The words of your mental health support team, lecturers, bloggers and people alike.
There is more to write, but that will be for tomorrow.
COPYRIGHT 2013 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Hermione Sturk.
Beautiful Contemplations 