I am scared but smiling today. The thing with me is I just put on some music and instantly things feel better.
I don’t want to use my time blogging, as a platform to complain but rather as a platform for self expression in the hope that I offer and provide hope for others. I hope that as readers of this blog, you don’t merely see it as me complaining.
I have some up and coming medical appointments, I am rather nervous about- for one of the appointments in fact I have no idea what to expect. I saying to myself “Please let this doctor be kind” “Please let him or her believe me” “Please let them have patience as I try to find the words to voice the pain I have felt in my arm and wrist for the last few months” “If he is a men please let him be gentle and kind with compassion and human spirit”
Just a few months ago and you may in fact recall me posting about this in a previous blog entry; but I had to undergo a range of medical tests as my hands and arms and joints kept swelling up causing me significant pain and greatly limiting my movement. After tests showed my auto-immune markers are elevated significantly and other tests also showed signs of an auto-immune disease it was decided by my GP and I that I be referred to a rheumatoid arthritis specialist.
The letter came in the mail a few days ago, I have an appointment on the 14th of February with the rheumatologist; at a hospital unfamiliar to me. With the continued swelling of my wrists and me being unable to open up bottle caps and with my wrists being in significant pain I fear the worst. At 21 Rheumatoid arthritis, yet another debilitating condition. I would ask my angels in disguise for a break but the truth is in no disrespectful manner I wouldn’t have it any other way. (Of course I would prefer not to have rheumatoid arthritis) but I am a strong believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason: I have not figured out the reasoning for why all the things that have happened to me occurred, but I can tell you this it as made me resilient, the more and more things this world throws at me the stronger I become:because hey what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?
As I am blogging about this I am reminded of the time when I was having a depressive episode and I broke down in my doctors office.
“I am not Strong, I am weak I complain; who the hell am I too complain when there is a lot worse going on in this world”
My doctor quietly turned to me and said:
“Shaz, you are a resilient individual, even when you think you’re not you are”
She was right even in my darkest moments when I want to give up something deep inside me; clings on fights for light; I can’t escape my resilience it radiates inside and outside always.
I remember discussing my feelings a few months ago with one of the people supporting me, I said no matter what I feel deep down I never want to die, because life is beautiful, my ability to bring laughter and happiness to others to fight for my passions to explore who I am more and more each day is beautiful.
I want to show people that beyond there darkness and pain there is light and beauty, you just have to hang on to hope and belief that good will come, and that you are loved.
Because this I promise you no matter what you’ve been through. No matter what mistakes you’ve made, no matter how lost you feel, or how scared even if you have lost complete faith in humanity and trust in yourself. Things can and do change; even if you find yourself in out of the light like an emotional roller-coaster like I do. Things are forever changing, even if things are only good for a minute, a minute is better than nothing.
for every evil there is a million more good,
for every neglect, there is someone waiting to love you, wanting you to let them in.
For every mistrust, there is an honest trustworthy sole
For every moment of pain, there are moments of beauty and strength.
For every moment of despair, courage is born.
For every moment of fear, an opportunity for resilience to shine presents itself
Be strong.
COPYRIGHT 2013 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Hermione Sturk.
Beautiful Contemplations 