The weather forecast for today:
Scattered, Addled and Spent
with spurts of Anti-social, Apathetic and Aggravation.
The weather seems to be up and down today, If you lived in Melbourne I guess you could say that my moods represented Melbourne’s weather rather accurately.The sun has come out today because I have moved from a sense of incredible self hatred, to a sense of aggravation with myself and the outside world, I think I would be correct in saying that if you are around me today it might do you good to purchase a heavy duty rain coat and perhaps an umbrella- for me blogging is just another way to whether the uncertainty and lack of understanding. 
I feel physically ill today. My joints and bones ache in pain. My throat is dry and rasp. Fatigue has settled in and it is only 11.34am emotions and the lack of understanding are really getting to me today.
In a few days I will need to wash myself at the basin like I did when I had my extensive orthopedic surgery in 2008, I am usually assisted me when I am home from college with activities of daily care as the set up is not exactly wheelchair friendly- But for reasons I am not able to get help for a few days. I don’t want to get a carer because keeping as much of my dignity as possible is especially significant to someone who has had six orthopedic surgeries between the ages of 8-17 and required people’s assistance for toileting and the most personal of things. Having to “basin wash” myself again brings back memories and causes trauma reactions. Yesterday, I had people asking “Why are you experiencing anxiety and trauma reactions?” “Did something happen?” I replied “Oh not today, but a long, long, long time ago” To have the response: “Oh that was too long ago to recall, it’s in the past, you should move forward”
Well. I am sorry, for someone with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) it is not as simple as that firstly what is different from C-PSTD to PTSD is that Complex PTSD results from C-PTSD results more from chronic repetitive stress and there little chance of escape. as where as PTSD can result from single events, or short term exposure to extreme stress or trauma. http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/CPTSD.html#CPTSDvsPTSD.
I recall things and remember them like it were yesterday. In addition for five years I didn’t get proper assistance with my mental health disorders so I went for a long period living without a diagnosis, for fear of further rejection and alienation. However, since living independently for two years now. I have met the most caring general practitioner and psychologist, that I no longer become afraid when waiting in doctors officers, of needles or flinch when people touch me. Slowly but surely I have been able to open up and real expose my feelings and what happened to me without fear of being invalidated or told not to cry- I have been doing so well over the past 2 years that I have recently agreed to see a psychologist specializing in dealing in trauma from next year. It would be nice to also be in touch with someone else who understood.
I have also had relapses, all of which I have discussed in detail in previous blogs. Now that I am home from college things are made difficult as I am in an environment that is not understanding. Hence, blogging is an important life line and coping mechanism during this time. I apologize if my thoughts are a bit addled and confused but they are my words and this is my coping mechanism.
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