Thanks Portia De Rossi for giving me hope when I thought I had nothing left.

Hey Beautiful Thinkers,

I hope you’re all well. I have been terribly unwell physically, struggling to breathe my chest fighting phlegm from a chest infection. Good news! Though I am on the mend with the help medication and chest therapy- this includes blowing bubbles in a cup filled halfway with water and then coughing up the phlegm and when in the shower coughing up the phlegm (the hot steam helps!). If I do not do such practices the phlegm becomes extremely hard to get rid of and the longer it stays there the riskier it is to my life. But I am on top of things with university and well and truly on the mend now and enjoying the down time that the Easter break brings before going back to university and studying, taking care of myself and volunteering.

I have recently just finished reading actress Portia De Rossi’s memoir: Unbearable Lightness a Story of Loss and Gain…. WOW!!!! I have never felt such an attachment to a book before. The memoir explores through her eyes her heart-felt journey battling eating disorders including anorexia and bulimia and accepting of herself for who she is rather than focusing on looks, her words so honest so courageous so; a journey so incredibly sad but beautiful and heartwarming.

I thought Portia De Rossi was a pretty incredible actress prior to reading her memoir; however, now she isn’t just an incredible actress in my eyes, she is an incredible human being, so courageous and brave having faced all that she did and come out the other side finding acceptance love and more. I don’t want to give too much of the memoir’s plot away as I think it should be read by all.

I could relate to words written by Portia, in so many different ways. There were so many occasions at one o’clock in the morning when I was overcome by tiredness but found it hard to put the book down, encouraging myself ‘come on just one more chapter’ one more chapter soon became five and before long I found myself asleep on the cover of my e-reader. I didn’t want to put the book down; I used it to escape my own pressures of life. The book became a source of hope for me very quickly, but I quickly found out that this book would not allow me to escape my pressures of life- pressures mainly placed on me by my own self. It made me face a lot of the things going on in my life; I couldn’t help but question aspects of my life that I perhaps would not have questioned if it were not for reading Portia’s memoir. That was okay, because although I was alone when asking myself these questions, I didn’t feel alone. I felt Portia had put words to my journey and to the journeys of many others, I would find myself in tears as I recognized my own journey through Portia’s words.

I saw myself, in amongst the words on the page: The pressure of maintaining a certain weight for modeling agencies- only my modeling agencies were my doctors, at every appointment making comments like ‘Sharlene watch your weight, your knees will struggle to carry lots of weight’ and well I can see their point. I was not as active as everyone else due to having a physical disability and they cared for my health’. I just wanted to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I was young. Those who were close to me would often eco the sentiments of the doctors. It is important to note that I don’t blame them for their sentiments as they were said out of love and care for me and my health.

Before long I was 15, finding myself with a drill sergeant of my own- he has been in my life now for six long and tiresome years.

 In fact I distinctively remember I was around 15, when I got on my crutches and started pacing up and down the short drive way of my old house. Hoping that I would sweat, lose weight and ultimately silence the voice in my head:

‘Sharlene you’re a fat, worthless slob who will be extremely fat when she is older’

Before long my mum came outside after noticing what I was doing through the window and asked something along the lines of this:

‘Sharlene, what are you doing?’

‘Oh just trying to get fit you know how it is’

‘By pacing up and down the driveway- that’s silly!

I went inside.

In the years following: I would skip various meals: It was usually lunch because I could claim that learning how to make my own lunch was great for my own independence- no one ever argued with that’

I began comparing myself to my twin who was thin and I was the fat slob. She had been out with boys! I never had a relationship. I was not known for my beauty like she was! I WASN’T BEAUTIFUL I was the cripple everyone felt sorry for… after all how a woman in a wheelchair like myself could be considered beautiful. Much less be a relationship? It was not possible it isn’t possible.

Lots of factors have contributed to the way I feel about my weight now. Those thoughts are echoed the sergeant. Being called names like airport run way, or jokes made about my weight…I have a sense of humor but making jokes about weight is not right! I can cope with being called names like ‘r*tard or crip*le’ because after all in my mind they are reflective of my disability and I can never change that’ but my weight was something I could change at the times when I was unhappy with it.

I see myself as voluptuous; I fear both losing and gaining weight. Added  to that I no longer go dress shopping for really fancy/formal dresses because by the time I get around to doing it all the average sizes are gone and I am left feeling depressed, deflated and fat.. drill sergeant echoing:

‘See I told you, you were fat’

 Sergeant: One

Sharlene: Zero

Physically I am healthy despite my disability mentally some days I am a train wreck waiting to happen.

I too recognized how critical my ‘drill sergeant’ can be: He went from telling me I was fat, to telling me that I am a worthless piece of shit, who didn’t deserve to be here. To be happy and enjoy life’

He made me extremely depressed, and over anxious: Now I can’t wheel down the street without thinking what others think of me. Over the past year I have been engaged in treatment with a doctor and anxiety but I have never discussed with them about my associations with food.

You see as I move further into my dream of completing my college degree. I feel further and further distanced from my family whose aspirations are much more different to my own thus food for me in recent years especially has become an emotional attachment; something that won’t judge, something that I can love and be passionate about. I guess food helps to fill a void of loneliness and wanting to be loved. In addition to the latter, I have many other issues going on right now that I want to be honest with others who know me about.

I too am gay, and I know this because I don’t see myself being with a male partner, I find women much more beautiful, in tune with their emotions much more intriguing. I have known this for a long time and have expressed to some people close to me these things. I have battled with this since the age of 12, and have only recently placed a name to my feelings as recently as September of 2012 actually. I had a discussion with my grandma in January of 2013 and have recently come out to various friends most have been extremely supportive and proud of my courage at 21 to come out. I am still fearful in many ways I guess putting a name to feelings takes courage but acting on such feelings takes even more courage.

But in addition to accepting myself as gay, I have to find some level of acceptance within my heart for the fact that I have this physical disability and nothing I can do will ever change it. Through reading Portia’s Memoir I have learnt the importance of all that you are, for who you and what you do not for what you look like. I will now keep this in mind during therapy sessions.

I would like to thank Portia from the bottom of my heart for having the courage to write such a powerful memoir that will help so many. You are an inspiration and hero to many including me: giving me hope that I will be okay and that I will find love and hope is the tool I need to continue my journey.

“Most important, in order to find real happiness, you must learn to love yourself for the totality of who you are and not just what you look like.” 
― Portia de Rossi 

Thank-you 
Portia.

 

Need Help?
Life Line: 13-11-14

Kids Help Line: (For Individuals Aged 5-25): 1800- 55- 1800

 

With admiration and hope,
love

Shaz

Xx

© COPYRIGHT 2013 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Sharlene ‘Shaz’ Sturk

 

Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain

Portia De Rossi 

http://books.google.com.au/books/about/Unbearable_Lightness.html?id=i352L03hNqQC&redir_esc=y

That gray rigid triangle with sharp pristine edges and the squeamish white ball: That thing called a panic attack.

Daily Food For Thought:

”Wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weights you down.- Toni Morrison.’ 

                      Supplied by: http://www.quotegarden.com/social-anxiety.html

Hey Beautiful Thinkers,

Today, I am just going to cut to the chase- by writing using heart.

‘I can’t breathe. I feel my heart racing. I can taste the salt of my sweat as it runs down my face’. I am having a panic attack.

Right in front of my very eyes I am seeing the very real result of stress and constant worry. I like to picture my feelings in terms of shapes and colors.

The gray rigid triangle with sharp pristine edges positions itself across the width of my chest. It travels further through to my stomach region where it makes a transformation into a tight white ball, similar in appearance to that of a tight knot. There it lingers 

        It’s tone:

Tone is a word I like to use to describe the feeling or if you like texture of the shape.

As mentioned above the gray rigid triangle has sharp but pristine edging.

It’s sharp edging poking me in the stomach like a knife, but yet these edges remain pristine in nature as they fight all the weapons I use to keep them at bay. They will not stop. They will not leave.  As it travels down my body making its way towards my stomach.

It becomes tighter as though my circulation is being cut by a tourniquet. As the tourniquet becomes tighter my breathing becomes more rapid. Vastly pacing I lose all possible sense of reason and reality and leap to the worse possible outcome. The ball lingers with no sense of remorse. I become sicker and sicker with dread. It’s squeamish nature worsens as it lingers until I become completely frozen or physically ill.

Relief:

After, I am physically sick. I feel an immense sense of relief as I feel as through everything has completed its journey through my body. Sometimes abdominal breathing assists me to slow down and sometimes even stop the journey of the shapes colours and feelings through my body. To learn more about meditation as a useful tool to take control visit: http://smilingmind.com.au/

It’s has some great meditation exercises and tips and its free!!!

I use this daily, but sometimes find imagery more useful as it allows me to acknowledge my feelings of anxiety.

Love you all- brave beautiful thinkers. X

Forever!!!

Mwaa

Shazaraz!!!!!

© COPYRIGHT 2012 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Sharlene ‘Shaz’ Sturk

You can’t take away this part of me: My resilency

‘This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no.

This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no.

Throw your sticks and stones  Throw your bombs and your

blows But you’re not gonna break my soul

This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no

Now look at me, I’m sparkling

  A firework, a dancing flame You won’t ever put me out again I’m glowing, oh woah oh’ – Katy Perry

                                                                             Read more: KATY PERRY – PART OF ME LYRICS

Hey Beautiful Thinkers,

Hope you are all finding your feet on your journey to beautiful thoughts. I am finding my feet more and more each day.

Music is my life it has helped me through so much but the song ‘Part of me’ by Katy Perry is the one that lifts me up the most. In fact it inspires me so much, I wish I could tell her myself.

One night I was having some really dark thoughts and was terribly distressed. Then ‘Part of me’ came on the radio. This is what I heard.

‘Throw your bombs and your blows But you’re not gonna break my soul This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no’

The day I heard that song, I had recounted my most distressing memories during a therapy session. I sat in my wheelchair, trembling with tears rolling down my face; recounting memories from surgeries, when I was bullied and when I was doubted. I even relived the times I bullied myself because I began to believe the words of the bullies. I believed I was retarded, cripple etc. (I will not recount the other words- because it is too distressing).

I still believe some of those words, that I am not good enough for anything- that I am a burden. But that is because of my distorted perceptions. I bully myself everyday. I hate myself. I cannot believe anyone would ever want to love me. I feel guilty for being born the way I am.

BUT….

I am trying to change these perceptions, because after all they are just perceptions NOT reality.

That is why this song helps me so much; That night after recounting some of the most traumatic events in my life I looked up ‘Part of me’ on ‘YouTube’, and danced around screaming ‘This is a part of me that your never ever ever gonna take away from me’.

That was of course until I lost my voice. It was inevitable.

Inspired by the song, I cried happy tears that night  realizing something. That I am strong enough to get through all this. Because once upon a time the bullies took my light

‘You took my light, you drained me down That was then and this is now Now look at me’

But now I am strong and they can never take away my resilience no matter what people do or say or what life throws at me.

‘Throw your sticks and stones Throw your bombs and your blows But you’re not gonna break my soul This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no’

No one will ever take my resilience away.

I continue to fall down, but I will always get up no matter how many times I fall.

Because of my resiliency. I have achieved many things and have just recently officially finished my first year of university/college.

I am very proud of that achievement.

‘Now look at me, I’m sparkling A firework, a dancing flame You won’t ever put me out again I’m glowing, oh woah oh’

Never let anyone tell you that you can’t do something because you can, Never let anyone take away your belief and resiliency. They are the two qualities needed to make dreams come true.

No matter what life throws at you, embrace it by smiling as you fall and stand up stronger each time you fall.

Thank-you Katy Perry, for writing such a life changing song If I ever  had the chance to met you. I would hug you cry as your song has changed my life and helped me to want to live again. So Thank-you from the bottom of my heart

Love you all Beautiful Thinkers. I BELIEVE IN YOU!

Mwaa.

xx

Forever,

SHAZARAZ!

© COPYRIGHT 2012 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Sharlene ‘Shaz’ Sturk.

© COPYRIGHT 2012 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Sharlene ‘Shaz’ Sturk.