Hey Beautiful Thinkers,
I hope you’re all well. I have been terribly unwell physically, struggling to breathe my chest fighting phlegm from a chest infection. Good news! Though I am on the mend with the help medication and chest therapy- this includes blowing bubbles in a cup filled halfway with water and then coughing up the phlegm and when in the shower coughing up the phlegm (the hot steam helps!). If I do not do such practices the phlegm becomes extremely hard to get rid of and the longer it stays there the riskier it is to my life. But I am on top of things with university and well and truly on the mend now and enjoying the down time that the Easter break brings before going back to university and studying, taking care of myself and volunteering.
I have recently just finished reading actress Portia De Rossi’s memoir: Unbearable Lightness a Story of Loss and Gain…. WOW!!!! I have never felt such an attachment to a book before. The memoir explores through her eyes her heart-felt journey battling eating disorders including anorexia and bulimia and accepting of herself for who she is rather than focusing on looks, her words so honest so courageous so; a journey so incredibly sad but beautiful and heartwarming.
I thought Portia De Rossi was a pretty incredible actress prior to reading her memoir; however, now she isn’t just an incredible actress in my eyes, she is an incredible human being, so courageous and brave having faced all that she did and come out the other side finding acceptance love and more. I don’t want to give too much of the memoir’s plot away as I think it should be read by all.
I could relate to words written by Portia, in so many different ways. There were so many occasions at one o’clock in the morning when I was overcome by tiredness but found it hard to put the book down, encouraging myself ‘come on just one more chapter’ one more chapter soon became five and before long I found myself asleep on the cover of my e-reader. I didn’t want to put the book down; I used it to escape my own pressures of life. The book became a source of hope for me very quickly, but I quickly found out that this book would not allow me to escape my pressures of life- pressures mainly placed on me by my own self. It made me face a lot of the things going on in my life; I couldn’t help but question aspects of my life that I perhaps would not have questioned if it were not for reading Portia’s memoir. That was okay, because although I was alone when asking myself these questions, I didn’t feel alone. I felt Portia had put words to my journey and to the journeys of many others, I would find myself in tears as I recognized my own journey through Portia’s words.
I saw myself, in amongst the words on the page: The pressure of maintaining a certain weight for modeling agencies- only my modeling agencies were my doctors, at every appointment making comments like ‘Sharlene watch your weight, your knees will struggle to carry lots of weight’ and well I can see their point. I was not as active as everyone else due to having a physical disability and they cared for my health’. I just wanted to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I was young. Those who were close to me would often eco the sentiments of the doctors. It is important to note that I don’t blame them for their sentiments as they were said out of love and care for me and my health.
Before long I was 15, finding myself with a drill sergeant of my own- he has been in my life now for six long and tiresome years.
In fact I distinctively remember I was around 15, when I got on my crutches and started pacing up and down the short drive way of my old house. Hoping that I would sweat, lose weight and ultimately silence the voice in my head:
‘Sharlene you’re a fat, worthless slob who will be extremely fat when she is older’
Before long my mum came outside after noticing what I was doing through the window and asked something along the lines of this:
‘Sharlene, what are you doing?’
‘Oh just trying to get fit you know how it is’
‘By pacing up and down the driveway- that’s silly!
I went inside.
In the years following: I would skip various meals: It was usually lunch because I could claim that learning how to make my own lunch was great for my own independence- no one ever argued with that’
I began comparing myself to my twin who was thin and I was the fat slob. She had been out with boys! I never had a relationship. I was not known for my beauty like she was! I WASN’T BEAUTIFUL I was the cripple everyone felt sorry for… after all how a woman in a wheelchair like myself could be considered beautiful. Much less be a relationship? It was not possible it isn’t possible.
Lots of factors have contributed to the way I feel about my weight now. Those thoughts are echoed the sergeant. Being called names like airport run way, or jokes made about my weight…I have a sense of humor but making jokes about weight is not right! I can cope with being called names like ‘r*tard or crip*le’ because after all in my mind they are reflective of my disability and I can never change that’ but my weight was something I could change at the times when I was unhappy with it.
I see myself as voluptuous; I fear both losing and gaining weight. Added to that I no longer go dress shopping for really fancy/formal dresses because by the time I get around to doing it all the average sizes are gone and I am left feeling depressed, deflated and fat.. drill sergeant echoing:
‘See I told you, you were fat’
Sergeant: One
Sharlene: Zero
Physically I am healthy despite my disability mentally some days I am a train wreck waiting to happen.
I too recognized how critical my ‘drill sergeant’ can be: He went from telling me I was fat, to telling me that I am a worthless piece of shit, who didn’t deserve to be here. To be happy and enjoy life’
He made me extremely depressed, and over anxious: Now I can’t wheel down the street without thinking what others think of me. Over the past year I have been engaged in treatment with a doctor and anxiety but I have never discussed with them about my associations with food.
You see as I move further into my dream of completing my college degree. I feel further and further distanced from my family whose aspirations are much more different to my own thus food for me in recent years especially has become an emotional attachment; something that won’t judge, something that I can love and be passionate about. I guess food helps to fill a void of loneliness and wanting to be loved. In addition to the latter, I have many other issues going on right now that I want to be honest with others who know me about.
I too am gay, and I know this because I don’t see myself being with a male partner, I find women much more beautiful, in tune with their emotions much more intriguing. I have known this for a long time and have expressed to some people close to me these things. I have battled with this since the age of 12, and have only recently placed a name to my feelings as recently as September of 2012 actually. I had a discussion with my grandma in January of 2013 and have recently come out to various friends most have been extremely supportive and proud of my courage at 21 to come out. I am still fearful in many ways I guess putting a name to feelings takes courage but acting on such feelings takes even more courage.
But in addition to accepting myself as gay, I have to find some level of acceptance within my heart for the fact that I have this physical disability and nothing I can do will ever change it. Through reading Portia’s Memoir I have learnt the importance of all that you are, for who you and what you do not for what you look like. I will now keep this in mind during therapy sessions.
I would like to thank Portia from the bottom of my heart for having the courage to write such a powerful memoir that will help so many. You are an inspiration and hero to many including me: giving me hope that I will be okay and that I will find love and hope is the tool I need to continue my journey.
“Most important, in order to find real happiness, you must learn to love yourself for the totality of who you are and not just what you look like.”
― Portia de Rossi
Thank-you
Portia.
Need Help?
Life Line: 13-11-14
Kids Help Line: (For Individuals Aged 5-25): 1800- 55- 1800
With admiration and hope,
love
Shaz
Xx
© COPYRIGHT 2013 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Sharlene ‘Shaz’ Sturk
Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain
Portia De Rossi
http://books.google.com.au/books/about/Unbearable_Lightness.html?id=i352L03hNqQC&redir_esc=y
Beautiful Contemplations 