Daily Blog Challenge: Month of July- Addressing Mental Health: The Positivity Trap

I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”  

 

http://acanvasoftheminds.com/2014/01/07/blog-for-mental-health-2014/#more-4498

This month in addition to joining the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I am making a commitment to blog daily in an attempt to erase the stigma associated with mental health because in recent times I have found myself being sought to be a voice for those with mental illnesses.

People read my blog and relate to my words almost instantaneously I am told. Every day, I receive kind messages from readers- expressing their gratitude for my gift, my fearless approach to addressing a topic that can sometimes be difficult to discuss.

It is of my view that people get too caught up in what I like to call the positive trap, to explain that further it is where people feel the need to be positive all the time, where people feel the need to look at someone of worse circumstances and say well it could be worse. But that does not in anyway excuse the fact that you are going through a tough time. I am not saying not to be positive, but rather to realize that it has its’ limitations. The positive trap, is something that prevented me from moving forward in getting treatment for my mental illnesses. People around me started saying they could not be around my negative attitude, and that I was no longer an inspiration because I was going through a spiral where I was feeling down for an extended period of time. I lost friends, (now I question if they were true friends in the first place). I would be told just be positive, no one likes people who mope around all the time.

I got so caught up in the positive trap. I put on a façade for five years- of positivity.  I am dandelion, very sensitive and need nurturing- but if provided with that do blossom amazingly. I was always taught to be strong, not to cry, prohibited to show emotion. If I did I was told, I was a sook- a cry baby!

In therapy, I am learning how to regulate my emotions, because with the assistance of therapy  I have been able to express emotions that have been bottled up for years- now they just will not stop flowing. However, I no longer feel guilty for expressing emotions in front of my friends- I do not fear that they will not want to be friends with me because I am perceived as being negative- I am lucky to have found friends that adopt the “we are in this together” approach, I get that long negativity can be unhealthy and can have a detrimental impact on those around us.  But a wise friend who I came into my life just this year taught me something so true that these words will never leave me; when she told me this I knew it was the moment I could trust her, and believe that she would always be there.

She said… something along these lines..

“I don’t give up on my friends, even though the hard times. Because Shaz life is not meant to be easy, and you don’t give up on friends just because times are hard”.

This friend has sat with me through episodes of dissociation, she has met Zoë-the extension of myself, supported me when I have been unable to get up out of bed, brushed my hair when I have not been able to, seen my self-infliction injuries- she has also laughed and shared tears with me- she has not left yet – A complete testament to her loyalty.

For people who think it is possible to live in the positive trap, it is impossible. It is human nature to show emotion- you should not have to feel guilty for showing or expressing it- furthermore, mental illness does not discriminate, I am so sick of people saying to me oh you do not look like the type of person to have a mental illness.

Positivity is Not the key, expressing emotions in a healthy manner is.

If you or anyone you know may need help please contact the following:

LifeLine: 13-11-14

KidsHelpline: 1800-55-1800

For additional hotlines and information please go to:

http://australia.gov.au/topics/health-and-safety/mental-health

Until next time

Shaz xx

‘Beautiful Contemplations’ depicts my own personal views, expressions etc. It is not reflective of any individual, institution or group other than myself. I am not a professional medical expert.

© COPYRIGHT 2012-2014 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Sturk.

broader-line Personality Traits: Just a part of my story

…. sigh…

I don’t even know where to begin, everything seems so mixed up & crazy right now.

This week has honestly been one of my toughest weeks in a while.

I have been triggered so many times- I’m hyper vigilant- that is absolutely exhausting.

A shadow, is seen and my heart races one hundred miles an hour.

 A noise heard, flight or fight response is activated, I race to protect those near me. Ready to fight off threats or to do what I have to survive.

Over the past few days, there have been instances where I have slept for hours on end to the point that I lost track of the day and time.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress disorder, I am still trying to understand it, and what it means for my future.

The one thing that has become clear throughout all of this: healing is not an overnight process. I question if I will ever fully heal. Everything feels like some crazy storm, and I am struggling to breathe.

I looked at one of my medical referrals last night. It lists my conditions:

Borderline personality traits:

what the fuck is this? thoughts processing in my head. This explains why my thought patterns can be so up and down in a matter of minutes in some cases- complex PTSD a label has finally be found. I look at the list of symptoms– it fits, what the fuck does this mean though?

I went to therapy a few days back and it triggered me badly. I am terrified to go back into therapy, but I know I must. What scares me most is not the diagnosis- but understanding it and knowing that some people in my life will refuse to accept it. It is the lonely brought on by this disorder, my sometimes “manic” as I refer to it- thinking patterns, the ability for me to lose all sense of reality rapidly- dissociate myself from everything possible.

The more and more I try to put this to words, the more and more I fear that I will lose myself. I am a compassionate person, who cares so much for others- that will never stop despite this label.  Mental illness is just as much a condition as is a physical illness, but I think the thing that continues to hold me back in accepting all that has come my way recently is that what I am going through is not visible in the same manner that Cerebral Palsy is.

Stigma, scares me. Judgement scares me.

In an ideal world we would never experience stigma or judgement, but let’s face it we do not live in an ideal world- as I have recently understood very well.

Every time I tell my story I fear judgement and hatred.

I have always been viewed as a person of immense courage and strength, as some one who sees the glass half full rather than half empty. I know that many times the glass has been empty for me and that I have stuck in a negative head space, I won’t lie I have been very negative, well maybe not negative. Just Raw and Real.

 I refuse to sugar coat my experiences, just because people want me to see life positively. I don’t feel like it, I no longer feel like faking the happiness or that smile. I face a real life battle, one that I am not ashamed to admit. I have been thinking about things a lot lately and realized that people don’t look up to me because I am that “happy women”, they look up to me because I am real. Through me everyone can see a bit of themselves.

Everyone has times in there life where they have experienced pain, achievements, happiness. I am just one who is no longer afraid to put those milestones in view of the public eye. I will admit, there are times where I lose complete control of my emotions- to the point where they consume me.

This journey is mine. I don’t know if I will ever fully heal, but tomorrow I am going to try to brave the world.

xoXO

© COPYRIGHT 2012-2014 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Sturk.

LifeLine: 13-11-14

KidsHelpline: 1800-55-1800

For additional hotlines and information please go to:

http://australia.gov.au/topics/health-and-safety/mental-health

The Girl Behind the Smiles.

“Throughout it all, you are still, always, you: beautiful and bruised, known and unknowable.” 

– Leila Sales

“The razor blades express more than words are able”

– Shaz Sturk

 

Hey BC readers, 

My life is so crazy at the moment. I am barely able to function. I have self inflicted multiple times in the last week. I am going to be honest in this blog post and just write whatever comes to mind.

On Monday, I sat at the doctors clinic a nervous wreck, knowing that the night before my wounds continually bled. I was not sure if I was going to require stitches or what was going to happen really. From the moment I saw my doctor I balled my eyes out. The wounds to wide to be stitched have been bandaged. I hit a blood vessel in my wrist.

It scared me, yes, self inflicting scares me a lot, but it has become a very comfortable coping mechanism for me. The first time I did it I was shaking, now I do it like it is second nature. I am vastly becoming addicted to self-infliction the way one may be addicted to drugs- the relief comes but lasts for a very short period of time.

In recent times, I have also been starving myself, not showering I have been depressed but my Complex Post-traumatic stress disorder has been triggered significantly lately by a range of things including memories of trauma, I have been very open and honest with my mental health treatment team and those around me about the current situation, my friends have been immensely supportive. Despite this a lot of people have judged me for telling my story, and no doubt I will face judgment for posting this on here tonight. So I want to get one thing straight I am in no way endorsing self-inflicting behavior I am simply sharing my story for therapeutic reasons and also because I know that I am not the only person out there who is engaging in self-inflicting behavior.

I want people to understand that self-inflicting behavior is not something that a person should be made to feel guilty for, some times words are not enough and cannot express pain- it is a cry for help.

To that person crying!  

Sweetheart, I hear you. I relate to the pain you feel, I love you. Hang on, you are beautiful and brave no matter what anyone says! I know the feeling of loneliness, and how you can be surrounded by love but still be lonely. I am asking you to be brave! reach out- tell your story- because telling it is what will help you heal. Just say it, I am trying to.

At the moment, I feel immense shame, confusion and fear, I have no idea where to begin or how to heal again! it is a vicious cycle for me and behind that brave girl with the smiles, is one in immense pain.. one that is scared! one week I smile and I am super happy the next week I am self- inflicting with razor blades… I hang on to hope and you can too.

This is me.. that girl everyone says “You don”t seem like the type to ever be depressed” 

 © COPYRIGHT 2012-2014 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Sturk.

LifeLine: 13-11-14

KidsHelpline: 1800-55-1800

For additional hotlines and information please go to:

http://australia.gov.au/topics/health-and-safety/mental-health

 

 

Frustrations about my Independence

Hey Beautiful Thinkers,

Firstly- A large heartfelt thanks from me to you. The feedback I have received from my last post was beautiful, I am thrilled that so many of you were touched by my words. Words that indeed were not easy to express. I am so grateful for all the positive comments I received and have been overwhelmed with love from you all. My heart is filled with well wishes and love from all over the world and such words and wishes help me more than you will ever know.

The count down has begun with less than nine days, until i move back to prepare myself for the new academic year. I am excited beyond words. I need this, I need to focus on the future. Being in my home town is doing my head in now, I am ready to go back to uni and get a bit of structure and control back in my life again. You see being back home has meant that I have not been able to be as independent as I’d like to be. When I am home, I get treated like I am five, I get told how to live my life and it’s just not fun.

I’ve made mistakes in the past year: I have spend more money than I should: but more than anything I got to be normal. I wasn’t treated like I needed to be tip-toed around, I was not accountable to anyone, I could party like no tomorrow, make decisions for myself and above all explore the world to further figure out who I am. When I made those mistakes, I have managed to get myself out of them. I am responsible: even though at times I have been reckless. I wish those closest to me would take a step back and acknowledge this.

Here are Some words I wish I could say:

I am not five.

I know there are dangers out in the world, and I appreciate you looking out for me but I refuse to be held back by those dangers.

Sometimes, by warning me you make me so afraid to believe the world is a safe place to live.

when you say comments: like “you spent so much money in the past year! i find myself fighting to justify my actions but instead anxiously gasp for air as I try to tell you but continue to be judged “- depression makes people do things to fill the emptiness and for me it is spending and attaching myself to material goods…because such happiness only lasts a short while, I continually want that next spend to have my next spurt of happiness. I am aware of it and I am trying to find other ways to fill the emptiness, it is not as simple as you believe.

Please, stop repeating that I have spent so much money: I know you are coming from a good place: but I am well aware of it and only end up feeling more guilty than the last time you said it.

I know I have Cerebral Palsy and other conditions, but I am intelligent and I am ready to be more independent- you just have to let me, because I want to be. We all make mistakes, we all need to learn and grow from them and I feel like you are denying me of such opportunities, this does not change just because I am chronically ill or live with several disabilities. I wish you would stop judging me, because than I may actually feel like I am able to come to you when I need to.

I am going to grow up regardless, I just find that often I am treated differently when it comes to my independence in comparison to my other siblings, when in reality I am more dependent than some of them despite my disability?

Does you have frustrations about your independence?

And If so how do you go about expressing these to your parents\guardians?

I’d love to hear your stories.

Feel free to drop a comment or go to the  Beautiful Contemplations Facebook Page

Looking forward to hearing your stories 🙂
xx

© COPYRIGHT 2012-2014 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Sharlene ‘Shaz’ Sturk

Recent Ramblings: Medical testing, dosage of medication, weight issues, exams and the Birthday of the BC community

“Hey there BC-ers”,

I am not sure exactly how to begin writing this post, I’ve had so much happening since I last posted it’s unbelievable. How about I just start from the beginning and hopefully that enables me to successfully post this post; and by successful I mean having written all that I wanted to write for this post.

Last week, I had to undergo some pretty traumatic medical procedures- a blood test  ultra-sound and X-ray. These are traumatic for me for a variety of reasons and have a lot to do with my past medical experiences, but what made things even more frustrating and traumatic was this: As soon as my vein see’s the needle coming; they disappear no matter what I do or how relaxed I am it always happens. The ultra-sound went well in the sense the staff were truly lovely and tried to make my experience as easy as possible.

I had to have the latter procedures done due to significant “non-injury” caused swelling in my left hand, arm and wrist- previously this had occurred but it was not sufficient to have testing done. The tests were done to investigate what is happening, as something has to be going on in order for such an thing to occur, the GP thought  it would be good to test for rheumatoid arthritis.

This week, the test results came back; not so positive; the bloods showed very little rheumatoid factor but, the anti-bodies in my blood were moderately high. After much talk with my GP it was decided that I best be referred on to a specialist to help us get a full diagnosis- it is strongly believed I have an autoimmune condition but as to which one(s) only a full diagnosis can help clarify. This would not only help to explain what is going on with my left hand, arm and wrist it may also help explain my sudden deterioration this year.

ALSO….This week

My medication “LexaPro” has eased in the sense that the hallucinations of “spiders and black bugs”  have decreased. However, my dosage has been increased.

This week though, was hard… I received a call from someone close to me “We’re so worried about you, you’ve gained so much weight since seeing you last,… “Can’t sleep, don’t know what’s going on  with you. Don’t get why you are depressed so much lately”. They proceeded to say to me that the last time they saw me was at my graduation from a highly prestigious leadership program- so thanks for making me associate what was supposed to be a positive night celebrating a fantastic achievement into a negative one- I now look at photo’s of the event and see nothing but a bowling ball. 

I got off the phone. Shaking unable to comprehend what I’d just heard. “YIPPIE” More invalidation just what I need. I was really angry because for the first time in a long time I chose to wear a dress to this event, and i actually felt semi-attractive for the first time in a long time. I’m still really hurt by such comments; because I don’t think they were very well thought about or constructed. I’ve just gotten out of a really deep dark place. I am still unsure of how I feel about me right now! Now I hate me more! 

I am stuck between this internal, external battle… I don’t know if what there saying is true because I am clouded with so much uncertainty about myself.. what I mean by that is this:

On the outside and to people who don’t know me well I present myself as someone who doesn’t care what others think, say or want to believe about me; I am someone who likes to present as a happy go lucky individual; someone who is as tough as ten bears. Probably the may reasons why this is said to me by people who meet me: “You seem happy and bubbly- not the kind of person to have depression”- that’s because the depression is not there all the time and I don’t allow it to define me 100% of the time. Some days sometimes leading to even weeks and months- it is hard to be bubbly and happy but the point i am making is that my depression isn’t always present in everything I do.

On the inside I am vulnerable, very afraid and hate myself. My blog is the only element I use other than mental health support where my true feelings are expressed.

As you imagine the situation about my weight has now made me feel self-conscious beyond belief. I only ate one meal yesterday and chewed on chewing gum for the remainder of the day so as to suppress hunger; as someone whose disability makes it difficult to exercise and rather painful too I might add this is a tough place to be.

EXAMS!!!! EXAMS!!!! EXAMS!!!!

Despite, all this. I have managed to complete all of my class assessment for the second year of my degree, and I am currently busily preparing to sit exams.. so busy, busy, busy.

Happy 1st Birthday- Beautiful Contemplation’s Want to share your story with the BC COMMUNITY?

Some of you may or may not be aware that on the 29th of November I will have been typing and sharing my stories under the name of Beautiful Contemplation’s for a year. And although i am the face of BC there are many admin and fans that support it and enable for the community to be what it is. SO to celebrate I thought I’d leave the floor open to you to share stories if you wish SO if you’d like to  head to https://www.facebook.com/BeautifulContemplations inbox us and let us know.

If you require assistance please call:

 LifeLine on: 13 11 14

 Or the KidsHelpline on: 1800 55 1800 

With Love,

COPYRIGHT 2013 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Hermione Sturk.

Myself on the way to the graduation event
COPYRIGHT 2013 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Hermione Sturk.

Life is Beautiful: The meaning of real beauty-My message to all the ladies

There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.
-Harry Crews

I think scars are like battle wounds – beautiful, in a way. They show what you’ve been through and how strong you are for coming out of it.
-Demi Lovato

Hello Everyone!

Life is so beautiful in every aspect!

Today, I wish to take you on a journey. I wish to share with you some of my greatest difficulties in life; but before i take you on this journey. I want to let you all know: I can breathe again! for three-four months breathing has been extremely difficult at times I have wanted to give up on life and just end it all. In many aspects I took excessive doses of prescription drugs and engaged in non-suicidal self harm. I was the lowest I had ever been for a long time. My angels must have been watching over me protecting me from serious harm, because I yet again proved strong and I am getting so much better. I feel me again.

I can sing out loud. I can dance. I can smile.

I blow kisses in the sky to my angels. 

I thought I would never find my way back. But each day I feel the weight lifting. To say I am the same is an understatement.

I have changed, I am still vulnerable but of more importance is the fact that I am stronger. I can see visible scars from the last few months or so, but they reflect the strength in my heart; my courage to fight, but sadly they are also indicative of my experiences of immense pain, but as illustrated in the quotes above; scars are a sign of an incredible journey & for the moment those inflicted scars join other the 18 other scars visible on my body.

here are some:

From my second surgery. 28th APRIL 2003.

from my second and third surgeries: 28th of APRIL 2003, 15TH SEPTEMBER 2008.

PUTTING SUNSCREEN ON MY SCARS.

I have so many scars; but my message to anyone who has scars is that they are all representative of your unique journey and you should be proud of them!

In today’s society everything we see, do and the way we perceive ourselves is based on unrealistic notions of beauty. I have been battling with this a lot to lately and it saddens me immensely to see young people struggling to see they are beautiful because they fail to conform to societies unrealistic ideals surrounding beauty. Young people battle with eating disorders, they hate themselves and they live miserable lives because they try to fit in with these ideals. I can say this because I am a young person. I am sometimes questioned about my weight by those closest to me, and although I am aware that it comes from caring for me. It makes me feel like I am not beautiful, it also makes me very anxious and insecure.

Every time I hear that  word “obesity epidemic” I cringe.

I turn to food for comfort in my times of depression and not being able to exercise much because of my condition makes me even more anxious. I just wish that there was less of an emphasis on “outer beauty” and more on emphasis instead placed on the importance of “inner beauty”. Besides my scars, my arms are the part of my body I am most insecure about; they are made up of muscle, some of which has now turned to fat due to inability to use my body like I used to be able to. This means I can’t find nice fitting shirts without struggles, my thick thighs make dress shopping almost unbearable- I cry almost every time, as a result I often leave shops unsatisfied and feeling unfeminine. I wheel around the shop; I feel like running over the clothes models because they are the most unrealistic representation possible. I also wish there were more models with disabilities.

The other day someone suggested to me “oh you’re getting a bit big”- this left me feeling really unhappy & insecure for the remainder of the day.

This blog post may seem all over the place despite this please bare with it, I am writing this very honest experience to tell all women out there something!

“Dear Ladies,”

“You are reading the words of a twenty-one year old women.

One who feels vulnerable, inadequate and more due to the spoken words of others and her disability.

I am so SORRY, for all the times society has made you feel like you are inadequate, ugly, not feminine etc.

You are all beautiful. NO MATTER WHAT!

Ladies, I know what it’s like. I’ve eaten too much in order cope with my pain and threw it up!

I’ve walked continuously on my crutches to try to get rid of “the fat”.

I’ve cried tears because that dress you found in the shop doesn’t fit.

I’ve longed to look like those people on the advertisements.

I’ve wanted to be loved for all I am.

Felt worthless and called fat, big etc.

Ladies you are all beautiful I urge you to come on a journey with me and promote the significance of inner beauty .

I love you Ladies x. Feel free to share your stories with me @ shazzys885@gmail.com 

Love will conquer all insecurities.

XOXO

COPYRIGHT 2013 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Hermione Sturk.

Thanks Portia De Rossi for giving me hope when I thought I had nothing left.

Hey Beautiful Thinkers,

I hope you’re all well. I have been terribly unwell physically, struggling to breathe my chest fighting phlegm from a chest infection. Good news! Though I am on the mend with the help medication and chest therapy- this includes blowing bubbles in a cup filled halfway with water and then coughing up the phlegm and when in the shower coughing up the phlegm (the hot steam helps!). If I do not do such practices the phlegm becomes extremely hard to get rid of and the longer it stays there the riskier it is to my life. But I am on top of things with university and well and truly on the mend now and enjoying the down time that the Easter break brings before going back to university and studying, taking care of myself and volunteering.

I have recently just finished reading actress Portia De Rossi’s memoir: Unbearable Lightness a Story of Loss and Gain…. WOW!!!! I have never felt such an attachment to a book before. The memoir explores through her eyes her heart-felt journey battling eating disorders including anorexia and bulimia and accepting of herself for who she is rather than focusing on looks, her words so honest so courageous so; a journey so incredibly sad but beautiful and heartwarming.

I thought Portia De Rossi was a pretty incredible actress prior to reading her memoir; however, now she isn’t just an incredible actress in my eyes, she is an incredible human being, so courageous and brave having faced all that she did and come out the other side finding acceptance love and more. I don’t want to give too much of the memoir’s plot away as I think it should be read by all.

I could relate to words written by Portia, in so many different ways. There were so many occasions at one o’clock in the morning when I was overcome by tiredness but found it hard to put the book down, encouraging myself ‘come on just one more chapter’ one more chapter soon became five and before long I found myself asleep on the cover of my e-reader. I didn’t want to put the book down; I used it to escape my own pressures of life. The book became a source of hope for me very quickly, but I quickly found out that this book would not allow me to escape my pressures of life- pressures mainly placed on me by my own self. It made me face a lot of the things going on in my life; I couldn’t help but question aspects of my life that I perhaps would not have questioned if it were not for reading Portia’s memoir. That was okay, because although I was alone when asking myself these questions, I didn’t feel alone. I felt Portia had put words to my journey and to the journeys of many others, I would find myself in tears as I recognized my own journey through Portia’s words.

I saw myself, in amongst the words on the page: The pressure of maintaining a certain weight for modeling agencies- only my modeling agencies were my doctors, at every appointment making comments like ‘Sharlene watch your weight, your knees will struggle to carry lots of weight’ and well I can see their point. I was not as active as everyone else due to having a physical disability and they cared for my health’. I just wanted to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I was young. Those who were close to me would often eco the sentiments of the doctors. It is important to note that I don’t blame them for their sentiments as they were said out of love and care for me and my health.

Before long I was 15, finding myself with a drill sergeant of my own- he has been in my life now for six long and tiresome years.

 In fact I distinctively remember I was around 15, when I got on my crutches and started pacing up and down the short drive way of my old house. Hoping that I would sweat, lose weight and ultimately silence the voice in my head:

‘Sharlene you’re a fat, worthless slob who will be extremely fat when she is older’

Before long my mum came outside after noticing what I was doing through the window and asked something along the lines of this:

‘Sharlene, what are you doing?’

‘Oh just trying to get fit you know how it is’

‘By pacing up and down the driveway- that’s silly!

I went inside.

In the years following: I would skip various meals: It was usually lunch because I could claim that learning how to make my own lunch was great for my own independence- no one ever argued with that’

I began comparing myself to my twin who was thin and I was the fat slob. She had been out with boys! I never had a relationship. I was not known for my beauty like she was! I WASN’T BEAUTIFUL I was the cripple everyone felt sorry for… after all how a woman in a wheelchair like myself could be considered beautiful. Much less be a relationship? It was not possible it isn’t possible.

Lots of factors have contributed to the way I feel about my weight now. Those thoughts are echoed the sergeant. Being called names like airport run way, or jokes made about my weight…I have a sense of humor but making jokes about weight is not right! I can cope with being called names like ‘r*tard or crip*le’ because after all in my mind they are reflective of my disability and I can never change that’ but my weight was something I could change at the times when I was unhappy with it.

I see myself as voluptuous; I fear both losing and gaining weight. Added  to that I no longer go dress shopping for really fancy/formal dresses because by the time I get around to doing it all the average sizes are gone and I am left feeling depressed, deflated and fat.. drill sergeant echoing:

‘See I told you, you were fat’

 Sergeant: One

Sharlene: Zero

Physically I am healthy despite my disability mentally some days I am a train wreck waiting to happen.

I too recognized how critical my ‘drill sergeant’ can be: He went from telling me I was fat, to telling me that I am a worthless piece of shit, who didn’t deserve to be here. To be happy and enjoy life’

He made me extremely depressed, and over anxious: Now I can’t wheel down the street without thinking what others think of me. Over the past year I have been engaged in treatment with a doctor and anxiety but I have never discussed with them about my associations with food.

You see as I move further into my dream of completing my college degree. I feel further and further distanced from my family whose aspirations are much more different to my own thus food for me in recent years especially has become an emotional attachment; something that won’t judge, something that I can love and be passionate about. I guess food helps to fill a void of loneliness and wanting to be loved. In addition to the latter, I have many other issues going on right now that I want to be honest with others who know me about.

I too am gay, and I know this because I don’t see myself being with a male partner, I find women much more beautiful, in tune with their emotions much more intriguing. I have known this for a long time and have expressed to some people close to me these things. I have battled with this since the age of 12, and have only recently placed a name to my feelings as recently as September of 2012 actually. I had a discussion with my grandma in January of 2013 and have recently come out to various friends most have been extremely supportive and proud of my courage at 21 to come out. I am still fearful in many ways I guess putting a name to feelings takes courage but acting on such feelings takes even more courage.

But in addition to accepting myself as gay, I have to find some level of acceptance within my heart for the fact that I have this physical disability and nothing I can do will ever change it. Through reading Portia’s Memoir I have learnt the importance of all that you are, for who you and what you do not for what you look like. I will now keep this in mind during therapy sessions.

I would like to thank Portia from the bottom of my heart for having the courage to write such a powerful memoir that will help so many. You are an inspiration and hero to many including me: giving me hope that I will be okay and that I will find love and hope is the tool I need to continue my journey.

“Most important, in order to find real happiness, you must learn to love yourself for the totality of who you are and not just what you look like.” 
― Portia de Rossi 

Thank-you 
Portia.

 

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With admiration and hope,
love

Shaz

Xx

© COPYRIGHT 2013 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Sharlene ‘Shaz’ Sturk

 

Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain

Portia De Rossi 

http://books.google.com.au/books/about/Unbearable_Lightness.html?id=i352L03hNqQC&redir_esc=y