“Hey there BC-ers”,
I am not sure exactly how to begin writing this post, I’ve had so much happening since I last posted it’s unbelievable. How about I just start from the beginning and hopefully that enables me to successfully post this post; and by successful I mean having written all that I wanted to write for this post.
Last week, I had to undergo some pretty traumatic medical procedures- a blood test ultra-sound and X-ray. These are traumatic for me for a variety of reasons and have a lot to do with my past medical experiences, but what made things even more frustrating and traumatic was this: As soon as my vein see’s the needle coming; they disappear no matter what I do or how relaxed I am it always happens. The ultra-sound went well in the sense the staff were truly lovely and tried to make my experience as easy as possible.
I had to have the latter procedures done due to significant “non-injury” caused swelling in my left hand, arm and wrist- previously this had occurred but it was not sufficient to have testing done. The tests were done to investigate what is happening, as something has to be going on in order for such an thing to occur, the GP thought it would be good to test for rheumatoid arthritis.
This week, the test results came back; not so positive; the bloods showed very little rheumatoid factor but, the anti-bodies in my blood were moderately high. After much talk with my GP it was decided that I best be referred on to a specialist to help us get a full diagnosis- it is strongly believed I have an autoimmune condition but as to which one(s) only a full diagnosis can help clarify. This would not only help to explain what is going on with my left hand, arm and wrist it may also help explain my sudden deterioration this year.
ALSO….This week
My medication “LexaPro” has eased in the sense that the hallucinations of “spiders and black bugs” have decreased. However, my dosage has been increased.
This week though, was hard… I received a call from someone close to me “We’re so worried about you, you’ve gained so much weight since seeing you last,… “Can’t sleep, don’t know what’s going on with you. Don’t get why you are depressed so much lately”. They proceeded to say to me that the last time they saw me was at my graduation from a highly prestigious leadership program- so thanks for making me associate what was supposed to be a positive night celebrating a fantastic achievement into a negative one- I now look at photo’s of the event and see nothing but a bowling ball.
I got off the phone. Shaking unable to comprehend what I’d just heard. “YIPPIE” More invalidation just what I need. I was really angry because for the first time in a long time I chose to wear a dress to this event, and i actually felt semi-attractive for the first time in a long time. I’m still really hurt by such comments; because I don’t think they were very well thought about or constructed. I’ve just gotten out of a really deep dark place. I am still unsure of how I feel about me right now! Now I hate me more!
I am stuck between this internal, external battle… I don’t know if what there saying is true because I am clouded with so much uncertainty about myself.. what I mean by that is this:
On the outside and to people who don’t know me well I present myself as someone who doesn’t care what others think, say or want to believe about me; I am someone who likes to present as a happy go lucky individual; someone who is as tough as ten bears. Probably the may reasons why this is said to me by people who meet me: “You seem happy and bubbly- not the kind of person to have depression”- that’s because the depression is not there all the time and I don’t allow it to define me 100% of the time. Some days sometimes leading to even weeks and months- it is hard to be bubbly and happy but the point i am making is that my depression isn’t always present in everything I do.
On the inside I am vulnerable, very afraid and hate myself. My blog is the only element I use other than mental health support where my true feelings are expressed.
As you imagine the situation about my weight has now made me feel self-conscious beyond belief. I only ate one meal yesterday and chewed on chewing gum for the remainder of the day so as to suppress hunger; as someone whose disability makes it difficult to exercise and rather painful too I might add this is a tough place to be.
EXAMS!!!! EXAMS!!!! EXAMS!!!!
Despite, all this. I have managed to complete all of my class assessment for the second year of my degree, and I am currently busily preparing to sit exams.. so busy, busy, busy.
Happy 1st Birthday- Beautiful Contemplation’s Want to share your story with the BC COMMUNITY?
Some of you may or may not be aware that on the 29th of November I will have been typing and sharing my stories under the name of Beautiful Contemplation’s for a year. And although i am the face of BC there are many admin and fans that support it and enable for the community to be what it is. SO to celebrate I thought I’d leave the floor open to you to share stories if you wish SO if you’d like to head to https://www.facebook.com/BeautifulContemplations inbox us and let us know.
If you require assistance please call:
LifeLine on: 13 11 14
Or the KidsHelpline on: 1800 55 1800
With Love,
COPYRIGHT 2013 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Hermione Sturk.
Myself on the way to the graduation event
COPYRIGHT 2013 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Hermione Sturk.
Beautiful Contemplations 