Daily Blog Challenge: Month of July- Addressing Mental Health: The Positivity Trap

I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”  

 

http://acanvasoftheminds.com/2014/01/07/blog-for-mental-health-2014/#more-4498

This month in addition to joining the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I am making a commitment to blog daily in an attempt to erase the stigma associated with mental health because in recent times I have found myself being sought to be a voice for those with mental illnesses.

People read my blog and relate to my words almost instantaneously I am told. Every day, I receive kind messages from readers- expressing their gratitude for my gift, my fearless approach to addressing a topic that can sometimes be difficult to discuss.

It is of my view that people get too caught up in what I like to call the positive trap, to explain that further it is where people feel the need to be positive all the time, where people feel the need to look at someone of worse circumstances and say well it could be worse. But that does not in anyway excuse the fact that you are going through a tough time. I am not saying not to be positive, but rather to realize that it has its’ limitations. The positive trap, is something that prevented me from moving forward in getting treatment for my mental illnesses. People around me started saying they could not be around my negative attitude, and that I was no longer an inspiration because I was going through a spiral where I was feeling down for an extended period of time. I lost friends, (now I question if they were true friends in the first place). I would be told just be positive, no one likes people who mope around all the time.

I got so caught up in the positive trap. I put on a façade for five years- of positivity.  I am dandelion, very sensitive and need nurturing- but if provided with that do blossom amazingly. I was always taught to be strong, not to cry, prohibited to show emotion. If I did I was told, I was a sook- a cry baby!

In therapy, I am learning how to regulate my emotions, because with the assistance of therapy  I have been able to express emotions that have been bottled up for years- now they just will not stop flowing. However, I no longer feel guilty for expressing emotions in front of my friends- I do not fear that they will not want to be friends with me because I am perceived as being negative- I am lucky to have found friends that adopt the “we are in this together” approach, I get that long negativity can be unhealthy and can have a detrimental impact on those around us.  But a wise friend who I came into my life just this year taught me something so true that these words will never leave me; when she told me this I knew it was the moment I could trust her, and believe that she would always be there.

She said… something along these lines..

“I don’t give up on my friends, even though the hard times. Because Shaz life is not meant to be easy, and you don’t give up on friends just because times are hard”.

This friend has sat with me through episodes of dissociation, she has met Zoë-the extension of myself, supported me when I have been unable to get up out of bed, brushed my hair when I have not been able to, seen my self-infliction injuries- she has also laughed and shared tears with me- she has not left yet – A complete testament to her loyalty.

For people who think it is possible to live in the positive trap, it is impossible. It is human nature to show emotion- you should not have to feel guilty for showing or expressing it- furthermore, mental illness does not discriminate, I am so sick of people saying to me oh you do not look like the type of person to have a mental illness.

Positivity is Not the key, expressing emotions in a healthy manner is.

If you or anyone you know may need help please contact the following:

LifeLine: 13-11-14

KidsHelpline: 1800-55-1800

For additional hotlines and information please go to:

http://australia.gov.au/topics/health-and-safety/mental-health

Until next time

Shaz xx

‘Beautiful Contemplations’ depicts my own personal views, expressions etc. It is not reflective of any individual, institution or group other than myself. I am not a professional medical expert.

© COPYRIGHT 2012-2014 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Sturk.

Hen- the critical voice came today. Things I want to tell you about mental illness

Hey there everyone!

I thought I might blog just to get a bit of what has been happening today off my chest. Even though, lately I feel like I cannot seem to put two words together.

Hen came today, Hen the negative critical voice in my head.

Quite the opposite of Zoë- Zoë is compassionate, loving and sweet – I view her as an extension of myself, she often appears and soothes me until I am calm again. Hen he is mean, gutless, he is really relentless with his words- I view him as my irrational self- he is the voice that expresses years of bottled up emotion and pain, words expressed by others, words that have stayed with me- words that I have the utmost difficulty detaching myself from.

I had a session today one of my treatment professionals; she asked me the usual questions- I gave her the usual answers. We talked. But the thing that strikes me with mental health professionals is this; do they really understand the isolating nature of mental illness, like only the suffer of mental health problems can?  This is by no means an attack on those helping me, I am indeed very grateful to them.  It is just sometimes I leave appointments feeling so frustrated, they give me advice and offer support; I know what I need to do to move on with the future, so that my past does not destroy my future, I often just wonder if they truly understand I am trying- but that sometimes breathing in itself is a tough enough task. If I am breathing and periodically able to smile, it has been a good day.

There are a few things people must understand about mental illness; it is fucking debilitating. Sometimes you lose sense of everything around you. Sometimes you no longer care about the basics like hygiene, food, social connections and the basics of having a schedule.  It is just too much.  You lose sense of time, both nights and days become a blur all mashed up into an overwhelming amount of hours where you have to try to cope. Sounds of the birds chirming is no longer a blessing of a brand new day, instead the chirps represent an overwhelming sense of anxiety for the hours that you have to periodically continue to swim to avoid drowning. Living life on auto pilot, doing whatever you need to in order to keep yourself afloat- you might be lucky enough to be thrown a life raft periodically for some reprieve.

My body just seems to endlessly sleep at the moment. I wish I was able to spend every waking moment writing about my experiences of mental illness- it is the only thing that brings me relief even if only for a short time- even if nothing I write makes sense.

Here is a face of someone with mental illness.

© COPYRIGHT 2012-2014 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Sturk.

LifeLine: 13-11-14

KidsHelpline: 1800-55-1800

For additional hotlines and information please go to:

http://australia.gov.au/topics/health-and-safety/mental-health

Shaz xx

 

More Surgical prospects: Big Choices ahead

I can’t breathe, I am gasping for air. Panic Attack, I am drowning, I am shaking unable to think of anything but the worst case scenario.

Panic Attack. Please Stop. Please let me breathe. Please let me worry less. Please I am not as strong as you think I am.

Too many issues going on in my head, I want to cry, I do not want to be alone.

My body has been cut up enough, psychologically I am scarred enough.

Today I heard the news. Received a letter, more interventions can be taken to ensure that movement will be as easy as possible for me in the near future, the letter prompted by my long term review of my previous surgery that was on the 15^th of September 2008- the review conducted in January a Gait analysis. My mind is going crazy, because to be honest I do not know if I want to go through with another surgical procedure.

 Since my last procedure due to the traumatic and extensive nature I have been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress disorder and the sheer thought of having another surgical procedure has me experiencing traumatic flashbacks.

 I think the fact that the choice this time is entirely my own- makes the decision harder. There are a lot more things to consider this time. Psychologically it could cause more damage; I am a fragile daffodil, much more fragile than I once was. Not only that I am now in university, living independently, trying to complete an undergraduate degree. I had plans by 2016 to be undertaking a Masters’ degree in social work and to be working full time soon after that as a social worker. What will this mean for all of these plans if I choose to go ahead with more surgery?

If I don’t what will this mean for my degree of movement? Will I be able to move enough in the future so I am able to be practicing as a social worker?  Many questions ponder my mind.

That’s Life. A glimpse of mine anyway

This is no disrespect to anyone who has ever tried to better my life, for that I am so grateful but ever since I was a child. The fix her approach was adopted, everybody around me did everything they could with the hope that I would someday walk like others. I have never felt like I have ever had the opportunity to accept that this is my life, whether I like it or not- I will not magically wake up and find myself living the same way as an able bodied individual. So I have words for you, reading this; physically I am not broken, physically I was born this way, yes! Surgeries can and have improved my life but they will never entirely fix me because I was never meant to be fixed. I have had enough. It’s time I make a choice for me not because I need to be fixed, but because I need to live with the way I am forever.

© COPYRIGHT 2012-2014 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Sturk.

 

The Girl Behind the Smiles.

“Throughout it all, you are still, always, you: beautiful and bruised, known and unknowable.” 

– Leila Sales

“The razor blades express more than words are able”

– Shaz Sturk

 

Hey BC readers, 

My life is so crazy at the moment. I am barely able to function. I have self inflicted multiple times in the last week. I am going to be honest in this blog post and just write whatever comes to mind.

On Monday, I sat at the doctors clinic a nervous wreck, knowing that the night before my wounds continually bled. I was not sure if I was going to require stitches or what was going to happen really. From the moment I saw my doctor I balled my eyes out. The wounds to wide to be stitched have been bandaged. I hit a blood vessel in my wrist.

It scared me, yes, self inflicting scares me a lot, but it has become a very comfortable coping mechanism for me. The first time I did it I was shaking, now I do it like it is second nature. I am vastly becoming addicted to self-infliction the way one may be addicted to drugs- the relief comes but lasts for a very short period of time.

In recent times, I have also been starving myself, not showering I have been depressed but my Complex Post-traumatic stress disorder has been triggered significantly lately by a range of things including memories of trauma, I have been very open and honest with my mental health treatment team and those around me about the current situation, my friends have been immensely supportive. Despite this a lot of people have judged me for telling my story, and no doubt I will face judgment for posting this on here tonight. So I want to get one thing straight I am in no way endorsing self-inflicting behavior I am simply sharing my story for therapeutic reasons and also because I know that I am not the only person out there who is engaging in self-inflicting behavior.

I want people to understand that self-inflicting behavior is not something that a person should be made to feel guilty for, some times words are not enough and cannot express pain- it is a cry for help.

To that person crying!  

Sweetheart, I hear you. I relate to the pain you feel, I love you. Hang on, you are beautiful and brave no matter what anyone says! I know the feeling of loneliness, and how you can be surrounded by love but still be lonely. I am asking you to be brave! reach out- tell your story- because telling it is what will help you heal. Just say it, I am trying to.

At the moment, I feel immense shame, confusion and fear, I have no idea where to begin or how to heal again! it is a vicious cycle for me and behind that brave girl with the smiles, is one in immense pain.. one that is scared! one week I smile and I am super happy the next week I am self- inflicting with razor blades… I hang on to hope and you can too.

This is me.. that girl everyone says “You don”t seem like the type to ever be depressed” 

 © COPYRIGHT 2012-2014 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Sturk.

LifeLine: 13-11-14

KidsHelpline: 1800-55-1800

For additional hotlines and information please go to:

http://australia.gov.au/topics/health-and-safety/mental-health

 

 

Friendship: Tied together by Heart Strings

Image from: http://jags-webdesign.com/

Hi  Beautiful Thinkers,

Friendship is such a beautiful thing. 

I know I could not get through the things I do without the support of my friends.

But true friends have been hard to come by for me, being chronically ill in so many different ways can make it so difficult to build connections with people. I know myself it is difficult to get up out of bed at times so making that face to face connection with people can sometimes be difficult and then I have the other issues of having to ask myself:

Will people accept me for me?

What will they think of me?

I still have to ask myself those questions on a semi-regular basis.

I used to all people were the same.

That all people bullied those who were different. 

That all people would see was my physical disability.

It would be impossible to make friends.

All of that changed, when I moved to university. I was hit by a sudden rush of excitement! when I came to the realization that most people embraced my differences. When I was younger I didn’t have any friends as running around and playing games like hide and seek were a challenge for me. 

Nowadays, through relief is here with amazing online sites like Livewire  ran by the Starlight Children’s Foundation

These days, I have out grown such wonderful support. I have so many wonderful friends on and offline.

My offline friends are the one’s I truly want to dedicate this post to.

Sometimes, when I become so tired and I cannot get out of bed my online friends are there to curve the feeling of loneliness, we are all equal.. typing not running. A lot of people are quick to critique social media, and I agree that you must be extremely careful when using it and “Use your head and keep your wits about you” as my Nan says but it can bring a lot of good to ones life too.

I have a few online friends who I am blessed to have in my life, we Skype one another, write and wipe away each others tears despite never having met face to face.. I could not imagine my life without some of them- teaching me from a distance so many things, we can not hug each other physically, but that does not matter because our friendship is tied together by our heart strings and we know that we are always there in each others heart.. something far more beautiful.

Image from Google

Shaz

xx

© COPYRIGHT 2012-2014 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Sharlene ‘Shaz’ Sturk

Frustrations about my Independence

Hey Beautiful Thinkers,

Firstly- A large heartfelt thanks from me to you. The feedback I have received from my last post was beautiful, I am thrilled that so many of you were touched by my words. Words that indeed were not easy to express. I am so grateful for all the positive comments I received and have been overwhelmed with love from you all. My heart is filled with well wishes and love from all over the world and such words and wishes help me more than you will ever know.

The count down has begun with less than nine days, until i move back to prepare myself for the new academic year. I am excited beyond words. I need this, I need to focus on the future. Being in my home town is doing my head in now, I am ready to go back to uni and get a bit of structure and control back in my life again. You see being back home has meant that I have not been able to be as independent as I’d like to be. When I am home, I get treated like I am five, I get told how to live my life and it’s just not fun.

I’ve made mistakes in the past year: I have spend more money than I should: but more than anything I got to be normal. I wasn’t treated like I needed to be tip-toed around, I was not accountable to anyone, I could party like no tomorrow, make decisions for myself and above all explore the world to further figure out who I am. When I made those mistakes, I have managed to get myself out of them. I am responsible: even though at times I have been reckless. I wish those closest to me would take a step back and acknowledge this.

Here are Some words I wish I could say:

I am not five.

I know there are dangers out in the world, and I appreciate you looking out for me but I refuse to be held back by those dangers.

Sometimes, by warning me you make me so afraid to believe the world is a safe place to live.

when you say comments: like “you spent so much money in the past year! i find myself fighting to justify my actions but instead anxiously gasp for air as I try to tell you but continue to be judged “- depression makes people do things to fill the emptiness and for me it is spending and attaching myself to material goods…because such happiness only lasts a short while, I continually want that next spend to have my next spurt of happiness. I am aware of it and I am trying to find other ways to fill the emptiness, it is not as simple as you believe.

Please, stop repeating that I have spent so much money: I know you are coming from a good place: but I am well aware of it and only end up feeling more guilty than the last time you said it.

I know I have Cerebral Palsy and other conditions, but I am intelligent and I am ready to be more independent- you just have to let me, because I want to be. We all make mistakes, we all need to learn and grow from them and I feel like you are denying me of such opportunities, this does not change just because I am chronically ill or live with several disabilities. I wish you would stop judging me, because than I may actually feel like I am able to come to you when I need to.

I am going to grow up regardless, I just find that often I am treated differently when it comes to my independence in comparison to my other siblings, when in reality I am more dependent than some of them despite my disability?

Does you have frustrations about your independence?

And If so how do you go about expressing these to your parents\guardians?

I’d love to hear your stories.

Feel free to drop a comment or go to the  Beautiful Contemplations Facebook Page

Looking forward to hearing your stories 🙂
xx

© COPYRIGHT 2012-2014 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Sharlene ‘Shaz’ Sturk