More Surgical prospects: Big Choices ahead

I can’t breathe, I am gasping for air. Panic Attack, I am drowning, I am shaking unable to think of anything but the worst case scenario.

Panic Attack. Please Stop. Please let me breathe. Please let me worry less. Please I am not as strong as you think I am.

Too many issues going on in my head, I want to cry, I do not want to be alone.

My body has been cut up enough, psychologically I am scarred enough.

Today I heard the news. Received a letter, more interventions can be taken to ensure that movement will be as easy as possible for me in the near future, the letter prompted by my long term review of my previous surgery that was on the 15^th of September 2008- the review conducted in January a Gait analysis. My mind is going crazy, because to be honest I do not know if I want to go through with another surgical procedure.

 Since my last procedure due to the traumatic and extensive nature I have been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress disorder and the sheer thought of having another surgical procedure has me experiencing traumatic flashbacks.

 I think the fact that the choice this time is entirely my own- makes the decision harder. There are a lot more things to consider this time. Psychologically it could cause more damage; I am a fragile daffodil, much more fragile than I once was. Not only that I am now in university, living independently, trying to complete an undergraduate degree. I had plans by 2016 to be undertaking a Masters’ degree in social work and to be working full time soon after that as a social worker. What will this mean for all of these plans if I choose to go ahead with more surgery?

If I don’t what will this mean for my degree of movement? Will I be able to move enough in the future so I am able to be practicing as a social worker?  Many questions ponder my mind.

That’s Life. A glimpse of mine anyway

This is no disrespect to anyone who has ever tried to better my life, for that I am so grateful but ever since I was a child. The fix her approach was adopted, everybody around me did everything they could with the hope that I would someday walk like others. I have never felt like I have ever had the opportunity to accept that this is my life, whether I like it or not- I will not magically wake up and find myself living the same way as an able bodied individual. So I have words for you, reading this; physically I am not broken, physically I was born this way, yes! Surgeries can and have improved my life but they will never entirely fix me because I was never meant to be fixed. I have had enough. It’s time I make a choice for me not because I need to be fixed, but because I need to live with the way I am forever.

© COPYRIGHT 2012-2014 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Sturk.

 

The Girl Behind the Smiles.

“Throughout it all, you are still, always, you: beautiful and bruised, known and unknowable.” 

– Leila Sales

“The razor blades express more than words are able”

– Shaz Sturk

 

Hey BC readers, 

My life is so crazy at the moment. I am barely able to function. I have self inflicted multiple times in the last week. I am going to be honest in this blog post and just write whatever comes to mind.

On Monday, I sat at the doctors clinic a nervous wreck, knowing that the night before my wounds continually bled. I was not sure if I was going to require stitches or what was going to happen really. From the moment I saw my doctor I balled my eyes out. The wounds to wide to be stitched have been bandaged. I hit a blood vessel in my wrist.

It scared me, yes, self inflicting scares me a lot, but it has become a very comfortable coping mechanism for me. The first time I did it I was shaking, now I do it like it is second nature. I am vastly becoming addicted to self-infliction the way one may be addicted to drugs- the relief comes but lasts for a very short period of time.

In recent times, I have also been starving myself, not showering I have been depressed but my Complex Post-traumatic stress disorder has been triggered significantly lately by a range of things including memories of trauma, I have been very open and honest with my mental health treatment team and those around me about the current situation, my friends have been immensely supportive. Despite this a lot of people have judged me for telling my story, and no doubt I will face judgment for posting this on here tonight. So I want to get one thing straight I am in no way endorsing self-inflicting behavior I am simply sharing my story for therapeutic reasons and also because I know that I am not the only person out there who is engaging in self-inflicting behavior.

I want people to understand that self-inflicting behavior is not something that a person should be made to feel guilty for, some times words are not enough and cannot express pain- it is a cry for help.

To that person crying!  

Sweetheart, I hear you. I relate to the pain you feel, I love you. Hang on, you are beautiful and brave no matter what anyone says! I know the feeling of loneliness, and how you can be surrounded by love but still be lonely. I am asking you to be brave! reach out- tell your story- because telling it is what will help you heal. Just say it, I am trying to.

At the moment, I feel immense shame, confusion and fear, I have no idea where to begin or how to heal again! it is a vicious cycle for me and behind that brave girl with the smiles, is one in immense pain.. one that is scared! one week I smile and I am super happy the next week I am self- inflicting with razor blades… I hang on to hope and you can too.

This is me.. that girl everyone says “You don”t seem like the type to ever be depressed” 

 © COPYRIGHT 2012-2014 ‘Beautiful Contemplations’ Founded by Shaz Sturk.

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